A Fateful Hallowe'en
by RavenclawJo
Summary: A 'What would would have happened if Lily lived' fic. The story begins on All Hallow's Eve, 1981. Voldemort heeds Severus's pleading and does not use the killing curse on Lily, choosing to blast her out of the way instead. This small act changes everything...
1. All Hallows' Eve

All Hallows' Eve 1981; it would be the second Halloween I had spent essentially under house arrest, after a prophecy had marked my baby son as rival to a psychopath wizard so feared that most didn't dare say his name aloud. It seemed ludicrous when you thought about it like that. How was this my life?

I just wanted to be normal. I wanted to be able to leave the house, to have friends around for dinner parties, to be able to go to work, to go out for a date night with James, to take my son to the park… _Stop that,_ I told myself firmly. _Thinking like that doesn't help anything._

I crossed the room and twitched the curtain aside. The streetlights were coming on and the gleeful sounds of children trick or treating drifted into the cottage at Godric's Hollow. I smiled to myself, remembering happier times when I would dress up with Tuney and canvass the neighbourhood for sweets. It felt like a lifetime ago but really it was only 11 years since my last Halloween at home, before I went away to school.

That Halloween I had gone as Minnie Mouse. Mum had made my outfit and I remembered being terribly pleased by the result, never minding that the red dress and bow clashed horribly with my dark red hair. The family dog Wally had even been dressed up as Goofy to fit the theme.

Petunia had been adamant that she wasn't going. After all, she was a teenager now. Much too grown up to get excited by dress-ups and chaperoning her kid sister and her friends around the neighbourhood. On this occasion she eventually caved and donned a generic witch costume to accompany myself and the other little girls and boys who lived nearby.

I wonder if she was out trick or treating tonight? Her son – my nephew, was Harry's age after all. I nearly snorted out-loud at the picture in my head – that would be the last thing I could imagine my brother-in-law doing!

I glanced down at the sleepy toddler lying on the blanket beside me and although I knew I shouldn't, I allowed myself to daydream about the future - a time when it would be safe to dress up for Halloween with my young husband and happy baby. We would be dressed in theme of course and all James's mates would be involved somehow. Without question the marauders would go all out, especially Padfoot. They'd dress up Harry's pram as well and use it to store their haul. Of course 21 was an unusual age to be trick or treating, but we would use the excuse of a toddler to have some fun and be silly again.

I was startled out of my reverie by baby Harry starting to fuss and move about.

"Tired little fella?" asked James. "Here, I'll take you up."

"No I'll take him - I thought I remembered you saying you'd clean up the kitchen tonight." I grinned mischievously and scooped up little Harry. "Don't think I'd let you get away with that one James Potter!'

He groaned and made a show of getting to his feet but then grinned good-naturedly and reached for Harry.

"C'mere tyke, lemme say goodnight." I passed Harry over with a smile and collected his blanket off the floor. James started to tickle Harry and managed to crack a grin out of him. He then lifted Harry's shirt and blew a big raspberry on his tummy.

"Dada!" squealed Harry, and squirmed, kicking his legs. James laughed and ruffled Harry's mess of black hair that was just like his, before planting a kiss on his forehead and passing him back.

He idly tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "I'll bring up a cuppa?"

"Thanks Jim, I…"

BOOM!

Oh god, that was the front door. He's found us. My breath caught in my throat and I froze with dread.

James was already moving.

"Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off!" His voice spurred me into action and I made a dash up the stairs clutching Harry to my body.

Behind me I heard those dreaded words – ' _Avada Kedavra'_ and I couldn't help risking a glance backwards from the top of the stairs. All I saw was a blaze of green light.

James is dead. I felt numb; my brain couldn't process it. My body seemed to be acting on its own accord as I sprinted up the hall to Harry's room. A million thoughts were flashing through my head. It felt like I was in a nightmare. He was _here_. How? James, what do I do? I fished for my wand with my free hand and my heart felt like it turned to ice as I suddenly realized it wasn't with me. It was sitting uselessly on the couch downstairs. I barged into Harry's room and locked the door behind me, as if that would make a difference. Futilely I tried to calm down and concentrate as I closed my eyes and made an attempt to apparate, but I felt the resistance that meant there were anti-apparation wards in place. I deposited Harry in the cot and glanced madly around the room. I started to grab furniture at random to barricade the door while Harry watched quietly. I could hear footsteps making their way deliberately up the hall. Oh god, is this really happening? I knelt down in front of the cot and started to croon softly.

"Harry. Harry, you are loved. You are so loved. Harry, Mama loves you. Dada loves you. Harry, be safe. Be strong." The door burst open showering debris everywhere and I turned to shield Harry from it.

He laughed to find us standing there so vulnerable.

"Not Harry, not Harry, please not Harry!"

"Stand aside you silly girl… stand aside now."

"Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead… "

He gestured impatiently with his wand for me to move.

"Not Harry! Please … have mercy … have mercy… Not Harry! Please – I'll do anything!"

He raised his wand and a powerful wave of magic hit me right in the chest; it was the most excruciating thing I'd ever felt and the world went dark as I was blasted backwards against the wall.


	2. Alive

Everything hurt. There was a searing pain in my chest as if it was on fire, and there was a deep throbbing in my head. I fought to crack my eyes open and immediately had to close them again against the harsh light.

"Lils?" a hand clutched at mine, holding it tight.

"James?" I croaked. A pause, and the memory thudded into my chest.

"Ah… no… It's Moony." I remember. James is gone. I still felt numb. I forced my eyes open again.

"Harry?" Trying to stop the hope welling inside me.

"He's alive Lils! He was unconscious as well when they found you both but he's awake now! The healers are checking him but they think he'll be alright." His hand squeezed mine again. I tried to sit up but the pain nearly made me pass out again. "Need to… see him." I managed.

"Just as soon as they finish their checks Lils. It's okay - don't try to move. Do you…do you remember…" But I had drifted back into unconsciousness.

* * *

I came to again. The throbbing in my head had abated slightly but it still felt as though my heart had been ripped out. As my eyes adjusted to the light I made out a familiar man sitting by my bed. "Dumbledore."

He smiled sadly at me. "I'm so glad to see you awake my dear."

"How long have I…?"

Dumbledore hesitated for a second then said, "It's November 2nd. You did awake for a short time yesterday."

"Is Harry…?" I asked hesitantly.

"Oh yes, yes, he's right here." Dumbledore got to his feet and carefully levitated a crib from where I hadn't seen it at the foot of my bed to over beside me. I struggled to sit up and Dumbledore came over to help. "Slowly, take it easy my dear." He murmured. I gently shrugged away his hand and reached down to stroke Harry's cheek. I could hardly see for the tears that had suddenly sprung into my eyes. He was asleep and looked so relaxed and peaceful. As I gently brushed the hair away from his eyes my breath caught.

"Dumbledore… what is…?"

"Ah yes, he will have that scar all his life I expect." More softly he went on "I imagine that's where the killing curse struck him."

I gaped at him, my eyes full of questions. "How?" I breathed.

"I am only guessing, but I believe that when Voldemort turned his wand on little Harry here, a very powerful protective magic caused the curse to rebound back onto himself."

"What magic?"

Instead of answering, Dumbledore asked me a question. "Do you remember anything that happened that night?"

"Yes," I said thickly, "I remember it all. James … he tried to protect us… Voldemort killed him first." Grief threatened to overcome me but I pushed it aside and continued. "I took Harry upstairs and he followed us. I… I pleaded for Harry's life, I told him to kill me instead. I thought he did… it felt like I died. I still can't believe we're both alive." I broke down then and started to cry. Dumbledore squeezed my shoulder gently.

"Well Lily, I believe I'm right. You are the reason Harry is alive. You would have died for Harry, and that sacrifice of pure love was enough to protect him. The healers told me that you were hit by an extremely powerful strike spell."

"Why didn't he just kill me?" I asked.

Dumbledore paused a while before answering. "We may never know why he decided to spare you. The fact that you meant to die for Harry, that you surrendered yourself, was enough to protect him." Dumbledore sat back in the chair and watched for a while as I stroked Harry's face and wild hair, unable to tear my eyes away from him. A question occurred to me.

"So Voldemort is…gone?"

Dumbledore sighed. "There are some that believe he is gone. I believe it's more likely he is…biding his time. Gone for now but not gone forever."

I nodded. Dumbledore would know. Couldn't get rid of the bastard that easily.

Dumbledore was just getting up to leave when the door of my private hospital room opened suddenly and a giant hairy face peered in.

"Lily, yer awake!" cried Hagrid joyously. "An there's young Harry." Happy tears started to run down his face and he mopped at them with an oversized handkerchief. "Sorry, sorry. Jus so glad to see yer alive. So sorry abou' James Lily. Tragedy, that. Jus no words. Oh, sorry to interrupt professor, I'll be goin then.

"No, no it's fine Hagrid, I was just leaving," said Dumbledore. He had already left the room and started down the corridor when Hagrid called out

"Oh professor, sir, just wanted to say I've got young Mr Black's bike, taken it round to my place jus now, thought you'd want to know."

"Thank you Hagrid." I heard Dumbledore reply.

"Oh," I said, "when's Sirius coming to visit?"

Hagrid's face went pale. "Ahhh I think that's a question for Dumbledore." He called down the corridor. "Sir!"

Within a couple of seconds Dumbledore was back in the room. He exchanged a meaningful look with Hagrid who stepped back out into the corridor, closing the door behind him.

"Well, Lily," Dumbledore began, "I'm sure it has occurred to you that you must have been betrayed the night of Halloween for Voldemort to find you so easily, hidden as you were by the fidelius charm. I'm sure I don't need to remind you that Sirius Black, being your secret keeper…

"No," I interrupted.

"No?"

"He wasn't our secret keeper."

Now it was Dumbledore's turn to stare at me.

"We switched last minute. Everyone knew he was James's best mate, the obvious choice. Sirius didn't want to risk giving us up under torture."

"For whom did you switch for?" Dumbledore asked slowly.

"Peter Pettigrew." Realisation grew in me even as I said the name. I had been so wrapped up in grief about James and worry for Harry I hadn't pieced together who our traitor had to have been. A sick, cold feeling settled itself deep in the pit of my stomach.


	3. Visitors

"What do you mean he's in Azkaban?" My words were spoken quietly and deliberately, but the coolness in my tone made even Dumbledore shrink slightly.

"Well, ah, we thought he was your secret keeper Lily. The circumstances when we found him… all those innocent muggles…"

"So you just chucked him in Azkaban did you? Didn't bother to ask what happened? Didn't think to CHECK HIS WAND?" My raised voice woke Harry and he started to cry. I glared at Dumbledore and scooped Harry up to comfort him.

"I'm sorry Lily, I…" Dumbledore started.

" _I'm_ not the one you should be apologising to." I snarled, quieter now as I rocked Harry. "Is that how little you trust him? I thought you knew him. You thought he'd be a traitor because of his family? He's the polar opposite to his family! And never mind that he's as good as James's brother! How could you even contemplate that he would betray James - of all people! And sell out his beloved godchild! And what, he doesn't even deserve a trial? Not even a chance to explain his actions?"

Dumbledore moved as if to say something but I wasn't done.

"And if I had died – what then? Would he have rotted in Azkaban for the rest of his life?"

"Lily I…" Dumbledore started.

"I don't want to hear it" I cut him off. "Please leave." Dumbledore bowed his head and backed graciously out of the room.

I fell back into my bed weakened by my outburst. My head was throbbing worse than ever and Harry was still crying despite my shushing and rocking. Fuck you Dumbledore, I thought as I looked at the door through which he had gone. I was still glaring at the door when it opened again. This time it was Abby, one of the nurses I had worked with for the short time I had been at St Mungo's.

"Jeeeesus if looks could kill!"

"Sorry Abs. I was…erm, a bit upset with my last visitor."

"Yeah you don't say! Here – " She reached over and popped Harry's pacifier in his mouth. "I'll give him his bath and something to eat in a sec. You look like you could do with another dose of this." She placed down the goblet she had been carrying and poured a dose into a cup for me. It smelt wonderful and I swallowed it without hesitating. At once the throbbing in the back of my head began to ease and I started to feel a little calmer.

"Ahhh thanks Abs, you're a lifesaver."

"It's what I do. You know you fractured the back of your skull," said Abby conversationally. "The bones should be knitted back together by now but it will still be tender for a while."

"And my chest?" I asked.

"Precisely aimed strike curse – not sure which one. Nasty bit of dark magic. It actually stopped your heart for a few seconds. Lucky you're so young and fit – it damn near killed you."

* * *

I had more visitors that day. Moony came and sat with me again. He kept berating himself for believing everyone who said that Padfoot was the spy. Ironically it was today that James and I had been planning on having him around to dinner and telling him about the switch. He hadn't seen Padfoot yet, but apparently he had been moved to the Ministry for questioning and it was only a matter of time until he was released. It had fallen to Moony to start making preparations for James's funeral and memorial service. He kept pressing me to help choose things – the casket, the flowers, but I couldn't focus; it still didn't feel real to me. I kept half expecting James to waltz through the door with a playful smile and his hair all messed up saying 'gotcha, here I am!'

Millicent Bagnold, the Minister for Magic herself stopped by quickly. I was shocked that she would come personally to St Mungo's to enquire about my health and that of Harry's. It was only then that I started to properly realise how talked about we were and how famous we were becoming – especially Harry. Apparently the wizarding world had gone mad celebrating on November 1st when news broke that a one year old had vanquished Lord Voldemort. I was pleased to hear Bagnold call him by name. She seemed a tough no-nonsense sort of witch – exactly the type of Minister we needed in these times.

Later in the day there was suddenly a commotion all through St Mungo's. No-one would tell me what had happened, but I gathered from overhearing people outside my door that some of Voldemort's most fanatic followers had attacked a pair of aurors to try and torture answers out of them as to what had happened to their leader. I was about to go crazy with frustration not knowing who it was when Mary MacDonald stepped into my room. She had red puffy eyes and had clearly been crying. I felt my chest constrict a little – I didn't know how much more grief my body could take.

"Oh Lily, have you heard? It's…it's the Longbottoms."

"No!" I cried "Not…not Frank and Alice?!" Mary could only nod, tears streaming down her face. This couldn't be real. I was going to wake up soon and this would all be an awful nightmare. There was hardly anyone left. The deaths of Dorcas and Marlene only a couple of months ago were still unbearably fresh. I started to sob and Mary came and held me. I was crying for them all. My dear Alice, Frank, my beloved James, Dorcas, Marlene, Edgar, the Prewett twins. The marauders were shattered – James dead, Padfoot in Azkaban, Pettigrew turned traitor - Moony was the only one I had. Mary was a good friend too, although we hadn't been the closest at school. My mind strayed to Severus but I pushed that thought away quickly – he was as good as dead to me now.

Even more people tried to stop by, including the press. The healers could see how drained and emotional I was and tried to move everyone on, but it was like they needed to see us with their own eyes. I could already see the way they looked at us – Harry in particular. I heard someone whisper 'The Boy Who Lived.'


	4. Reunited

I squinted my eyes against the early morning sun streaming into the room. Harry still slept soundly in the crib beside me. I had found out from Abby that he had been getting very mild sleeping draughts as his scar was still stinging and preventing him from sleeping properly.

For once it was just the two of us alone in the room. Just the two of us… my heart ached for James. No more tears came just then. I had cried myself to sleep the previous night and felt completely drained and empty. Physically though I felt a lot better than the previous day. I slowly eased myself out of bed into a standing position. Everything spun slightly and I steadied myself against the bed. Painful, but not too bad. I could move at least. I decided to take advantage of this quiet time to have a shower.

After my shower I was pleased to see that breakfast had been brought in.

An older nurse I didn't know was fussing over Harry. "Hi, I'm Julie. How are you this morning?"

"Better thanks, I sure needed that shower." She gestured to the table and chairs set up by my bed.

"Here, sit down here and help yourself. I'm just going to change young Harry here."

"Oh, I can do that!" I protested.

"I'm already doing it," she said while briskly carrying Harry over to the change table. "You dig in, you need to get your strength back."

"Oh alright then," I conceded as I sat down. I was actually starving.

As I finished breakfast, the door burst open again and a wild dishevelled looking man was standing in front of me.

"Padfoot!" I cried joyfully and tried to stand as fast as I could. He crossed the room in three strides and wrapped me up in a massive bear hug.

"Oh really, it's not visiting hours yet!" protested the nurse. We ignored her and continued to hold onto each other as if for dear life. "Humph, fine then." She released Harry and he toddled over towards us. Sirius broke away from me and gathered up Harry with glee.

"Harry!" he cried as he held him up over his head.

"Paddy!" exclaimed Harry with a wide grin.

"I can't believe they put you straight in Azkaban!" I raged. "For god's sake even known death eaters get a trial!"

"Yeah I know right! Goes to show how little they think of me I guess. Dumbledore is sure off my Christmas card list – he's only the head of the Wizangamot after-all."

"What happened Padfoot, did you have a trial?"

"Nah," drawled Sirius. "They just asked for my version of events, then asked me again under Veritaserum and checked my wand. Had to tell them about us being animagi." He aimed a half-hearted kick at my bedside table.

"What do you mean you had to tell them?"

"Well obviously they wanted to know how Pet– Wormtail escaped, so I had to explain that he's an unregistered animagus. They kept drilling me with questions and 'cuz I was under Veritaserum it all came out. Tried to fight it but it all just blurted out. Horrible feeling." He shuddered.

"So they know the full story then, even about Remus's…?"

"Time of the month? Yeah, the whole thing."

"Damn."

"Bastards still fined me for being unregistered though! You'd think they'd let me off given they just chucked me in Azkaban without a shred of proof."

"I can't believe that!" I exclaimed. "Bastards." I cleared my throat. "So… no one really told me what happened. You found Pettigrew then?"

"Oh I tracked the little rat down. Faked his own death the snivelling coward. Blew up the whole street including 12 muggles, then cut off his own finger and disappeared straight down the sewers as Wormtail. At least the ministry know they're looking for a literal rat now." He suddenly hugged me again, sandwiching Harry between us. "Christ Lils, I'm so glad you're still here."

* * *

"So, tell me what happened? From the beginning."

Sirius and I were now seated in my hospital room talking quietly. I held Harry on my lap - he was intently studying a soft toy that a well-wisher had sent.

"I thought something was up with Peter that night Lils. I'd just been to his place and he wasn't there, so I went to Godric's Hollow next, and well… obviously something terrible had happened. All the wards were down and it looked like there had been an explosion. No dark mark above the house though, so I took hope from that. Hagrid had got there just before I did. He was upstairs when I arrived. The front door was gone. I walked in and straight away… straight away I saw James." Sirius broke down at this point.

"It should have been me! I'm so sorry Lily! I'm so sorry, I'll never forgive…"

"Hey, stop it," I cut in. "None of this was your fault. We all agreed to the switch. James…" I choked up for a second, unable to get the words out. "It's how he would have wanted it Si, he died facing up to Voldemort, protecting his family."

We sat there in silence for a minute composing ourselves, remembering. Sirius took a deep breath and continued. "Well, I couldn't do anything for James. I forced myself to walk up the stairs, dreading what I'd find. The door to Harry's room was in pieces. When I walked in I thought my worst nightmare had come true. You both looked dead. Harry wasn't moving in his crib. You…you were against the wall. There was blood all around you. Hagrid obviously thought you were dead. He was crouched down in the corner crying. I did a diagnostic charm to check – auror training, you know. And you were both alive! I couldn't believe it! I shouted at Hagrid and we rushed you both here as fast as I could. I stuck around long enough to know you were going to make it." His eyes narrowed then and his voice took on a cold tone, "And then I went to hunt out the rat."


	5. Unexpected news

Later that day the healer had come into my room for a consultation to see how I was feeling and check whether I was ready to be discharged the following day.

"Now, Lily," he began. "The extent of your injures were quite severe, as I'm sure you know. You fractured the back of your skull quite badly and had some bleeding on the brain. Thankfully that has resolved and there does not seem to be any permanent damage."

He glanced down at his clipboard. "Secondly, the dark curse used on you hit you square in the chest, stopping your heart for a short time and weakening it significantly. You're very lucky it did not kill you. Although your heart is still a little weak, you have been responding well to the potions you have received. It will be a number of weeks before you will be back to your full strength, so you must take it very easy for the next month and continue taking your potions for a further 2 weeks."

He paused for a moment and looked at me closely. "One final thing. Our diagnostic charms when you arrived showed up something else… it seems you are about 4 weeks pregnant."

I stared at him in shock, unable to find the words to say anything.

"Yes, well, I didn't think you would have known. You very nearly lost the baby. We did everything we could and managed to save it, and all our checks say that the baby is now perfectly healthy. You will still need to have regular check ups. It seems both your children are fighters." He smiled wryly at me. "I'll leave you to process this information - I can see it has been a bit of a shock to you. Do you have any questions before I leave?"

"Oh… ummm… not right now," I managed to mumble.

I was left lying in my hospital bed reeling with shock. This isn't how it's supposed to go! I can't do this on my own! I'm only 21! I was starting to panic and hyperventilate a little. I put my head between my knees and hugged my legs, trying to hold it together and slow down my breathing. James, where are you when I need you! It really started to sink in for me then – James wasn't ever going to come back. I was going to have to do this all myself – the pregnancy, birth, bringing up two little kids. The part that really hurt was that James hadn't even known. I hadn't really felt any changes at all so no reason to take a pregnancy test. He would have been over the moon with the news. He had always wanted a big family. A whole Quidditch team he had sometimes joked.

The tears started again then – how much could one person cry?! I should surely be shrivelled up by now, but no, still the tears kept coming. The back of my throat was aching as I tried to cry without making a noise.

"Mama?" I hadn't realised Harry was awake.

"Oh Harry." I lifted him up onto my lap. "Hey little fellow, what's up?"

He reached up and touched my wet cheek. "Dada?"

God, talk about a punch to the chest. "Dada isn't here Harry. I know you miss him."

"Want Dada!" He wailed. I hugged him to me and rocked him.

"I know, I know. Me too. Me too Harry. I want Dada too…"

After we had both had a good cry Harry settled and we lay there quietly.

"Boom?" asked Harry.

"Your broom? It's at home. We'll have to go get it, won't we?" That was one of the first things I had to do when I was out of here I guess – see what was salvageable at the cottage. I didn't think much of Harry's things would have made it though, given Sirius's description of the state of his room. I wonder if anyone had found my wand? I wonder if Tufty was alright? God, I hadn't even thought about the cat. I felt terrible. The poor thing, she'd be terrified, not to mention hungry. Maybe Bathilda had thought to bring her some food.

There was a knock on my door.

"Lily? It's me and Moony."

"Come in." Padfoot and Moony walked in and sat down on the seats by my bed. Harry lit up when he recognised Moony and held his arms out to him. Remus took him gladly. "Hey Harry! Good to see you little mate."

"Moony, Paddy," said Harry happily.

"Hello terror" said Sirius and ruffled up Harry's hair, which made him smile, and then Remus started to tickle him, which never failed to make him laugh. I smiled at the sound of it.

"So Lily," started Sirius. "What did the healer say? All good to leave here tomorrow?"

"Yeah all good. Have to take it easy, take my potion, etcetera, but he said I'm right to go." I wasn't going to mention the rest of what the healer had said until I had got my head around it myself.

Sirius gave my hand a squeeze "That's great Lils!"

"Yes, excellent news," agreed Remus. He cleared his throat. "So um… everything is arranged for tomorrow – 11 am graveside service at St Jerome's, and then Bathilda has kindly agreed to have the wake at her place." I reached for Remus's hand as well.

"Thank you so much for organising everything Moony. I'm so sorry I…"

Remus cut me off. "Don't even think about apologising Lils. You weren't in any state to have to be thinking about that as well, and I was so glad to have something to do. I just hope its ok… I hope that…"

Sirius gripped his shoulder. "I'm sure it's what James would have wanted. It'll be fine – better than fine."

"Lily," began Remus again hesitantly. "Padfoot and I are both saying a few words. Did you… did you want to say anything too?"

"Oh, umm gosh, I hadn't thought about it. I don't…I don't know. I'm not sure if I will be able to."

"Have a think about it Lils. Everyone will understand if you can't, you know that."

"Have you thought about where you'll live when you get out of here?" asked Sirius. He continued in a rush "Because you're more that welcome to stay with me – I'd love it actually to have some company, and I can help look after Harry. But if you'd prefer to have your own space I more than understand…" I interrupted him with a quiet laugh.

"I'd love to stay with you Padfoot. Thank you."

Sirius grinned "Great! I hoped you'd say that."

Moony chimed in, "You're more than welcome at my place too Lils, especially if you just need some quiet time to get away from everyone. It's just… you know… my 'Furry Little Problem'… I didn't think it would be safe for you to live there at those times…"

"I understand Moony. Thanks so much - I'm sure there will be lots of times when a quiet moment in the woods is exactly what I need."

We lapsed into a comfortable silence.

"What day is it today?" I asked suddenly. "I can't keep track in here."

"It's Tuesday," answered Remus. "November 3rd ," he added.

"Oh! Sirius I'm so sorry – it's your birthday! God, I completely forgot, I…"

"Gee, how could you forget… it's not like there has been anything else going on," joked Sirius. "I forgot myself actually – it wasn't until this one here cracked an old fart joke that I remembered I was 22 today."

"Look out, your memory's already going."


	6. James's Funeral

Today was the day – I was finally getting discharged from St Mungo's. Today was also the day I had to say goodbye to my husband. To say I was a mix of emotions was an understatement. Moony and Padfoot were coming to collect Harry and I at ten so we could get a portkey together to Godric's Hollow. The initial plan was to just apparate, which would have been a lot simpler, however my healer had warned me against apparating while pregnant. I hadn't been able to tell the boys about the baby yet so I used Harry as my excuse, saying that he hated the sensation and would cry for ages afterwards.

I had just been officially signed off and therefore free to move where I pleased, and there was still an hour until Sirius and Remus came to collect us. It was quiet in the hospital, as it wasn't visiting hours yet, so I took my opportunity and padded quietly down the corridor. I paused at the correct door and took a deep breath before pushing it open and walking into the room. There they were - both asleep as if nothing had ever happened. Someone had pushed their hospital beds together and their arms were gently touching. I smiled sadly and took a seat beside Alice, the closest girlfriend I'd ever had. I gently took hold of her hand and she stirred but didn't wake.

"Oh Alice, I'm so sorry this happened to you. You didn't deserve this – you and Frank are the best, most kindest people I know. We'll get the monsters that did this to you, I promise." Alice's eyelids flickered and I took that as a sign to continue.

"The healers say it's hopeless - that you won't ever get your memories back but I'm not going to accept that. I'm going to do everything I can Ali. There's got to be a way – I'm going to keep fighting for you both. Both of you just hang in there, I'm going to fix this." I paused for a moment, pulling myself together.

"And don't worry about Neville – I'll look out for him. You're the best mum Alice, so caring and motherly and I can't come close to that, but I can tell him all the stories. All the things we got up to at school; I'll tell him how you met, about the wedding, how excited we were when we found out we were both pregnant at the same time. I'll tell him all the things he won't remember. I'll show him the photos I have of his first Christmas. Remember that Ali – our two little chubby babies dressed up in matching elf onesies! They were adorable." I smiled sadly, remembering.

"It's not fair! How come I get to watch my son grow up but you two are shells, and James is gone completely. Why was I spared?" My voice was raised now but still neither of them stirred.

"I'm sorry. I should be thankful. It's a miracle really, that Harry and I are both alive." I took a deep breath.

"Alice I… I'm going to have another baby. I found out yesterday. The healer said it's going to be born in June. When I found out I so badly wanted to tell James, and then the next person I wanted to tell was you. You'd have been godmother - you know that." I was clutching her hand tightly now and dripping tears onto the sheets. "I love you Alice, love you Frank. I'll tell Neville everyday how much you love him, until you're able to tell him yourselves."

* * *

With a jolt we all arrived by portkey in a small park on the wizarding side of Godric's Hollow. I stumbled but managed to stop Harry and myself from tumbling onto the grass. It was a short walk from there to the church and Padfoot, Moony and I walked together in silence, all absorbed in our own thoughts. Even Harry was quiet, sensitive to the somber moods of the people around him.

Mourners were just starting to arrive at the church. I felt like I was outside of my body watching myself go through the motions of greeting everyone. It was a massive turnout. There were people there that I hadn't seen in years – heaps of people from school, everyone from the Gryffindor quiddich team from James's second year to his last year. All of the teachers were there. All the remaining members of the Order - which was a heartbreakingly small number now. I was glad to see Moody, who had been James's mentor. Numerous members of the ministry were in attendance. Nearly every old wizarding family – those that weren't pureblood fanatics, were present – the Abbotts, the Weasleys, the Macmillans, Amelia Bones and Augusta Longbottom.

It was a beautiful crisp autumn day and there was a gentle breeze rustling through the cemetery. As cemeteries go it was a very old and pretty one. At this time of year there were no wild flowers, but the wreaths laid on numerous graves added plenty of colour. In another lifetime James and I would probably have taken Harry out for a picnic at the nearby park. If we were all alone James might have even changed into his stag form and allowed Harry to sit on his back, much to his delight. I inwardly shook myself. Those days were only memories now; I'd never see James again, never hear his laugh, never be kissed by him, never see him as Prongs...A nudge from Remus brought me back to the present. We were all being ushered over to James's freshly dug grave for the service. It was up a small incline and in a nice shaded spot, beside a large elder tree.

Dumbledore was presiding over the ceremony.

"Welcome everyone. We are here today to pay tribute to James Charlus Potter, born on the 27th of March 1960, the cherished only son of Fleamont and Euphemia Potter. He was taken from us all too soon on October 31st aged only 21. He leaves behind his beloved wife Lily, and his precious young son, Harry."

He gave me a nod and I passed Harry over to Sirius and felt myself move forward, over to the coffin. I paused for a moment, brushing the deep mahogany wood of the casket, trying to summon the strength to get through this.

"Thank you all for coming. I know James would have been deeply honored to see so many people here to remember him. He would have been sad to miss out on this gathering I'm sure. James was something different for all of you. For me, he was my best friend and my soulmate. It wasn't love at first sight…" There were a few soft chuckles through the crowd at this. "But it was love. For Harry he was simply Dada, this wonderful man who loved us, protected us and made us laugh." I was starting to choke up. "I wish we had more time together… I wish Harry was old enough to have memories of his dad…" I couldn't get the words out. "I'm sorry, I can't…"

I made my way back over to Sirius, Remus and Harry not really seeing where I was going, as my eyes were a blur of tears. I leant into Sirius and he wrapped a protective arm around me.

McGonagall came forward to speak next. I wasn't really paying too much attention to what she was saying as I was still getting my grief under control. I could hear the pride in her voice however as she spoke of James's extraordinary talent at her subject. She recounted a few of the more incredible pranks that she remembered which resulted in numerous smiles and outright laughs. She also spoke fondly of James's skill on the Quidditch pitch. She referred to him as one of the best and brightest of his time and remarked sadly that like so many others he was taken way before his time was up.

Dumbledore stepped forward again and I pushed away my anger with him to listen to what he had to say. His words were succinct, praising James's bravery and Gryffindor courage right up to his last moments. He spoke about how he was the most loyal friend you could find and a loving husband and father who would do anything to protect his friends and little family. He talked briefly about James's work with the Order of the Phoenix, although he didn't mention the Order by name, fighting against evil and fighting for the rights of all wizard kind. He closed with a poem by John Donne.

 _Death, be not proud, though some have callèd thee_

 _Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so:_

 _For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow_

 _Die not, poor Death; nor yet canst thou kill me._

 _From Rest and Sleep, which but thy picture be,_

 _Much pleasure, then from thee much more must flow;_

 _And soonest our best men with thee do go—_

 _Rest of their bones and souls' delivery!_

 _Thou'rt slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,_

 _And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell;_

 _And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well_

 _And better than thy stroke. Why swell'st thou then?_

 _One short sleep past, we wake eternally,_

 _And Death shall be no more: Death, thou shalt die!_

It was classic Dumbledore. You could see most people struggling to understand the meaning behind it, but strangely it just sounded – right. I felt myself mellow a little towards the old wizard.

Sirius and Remus stood up together to speak. Remus went first.

"Everyone has mentioned how loyal James was to his friends. I was lucky enough to be able to call myself one of his closest friends. Most people here wouldn't know quite how far James went to be there for one of his friends – to be there for me." He took a breath and said the next bit in a rush. "It was our biggest secret at school but it's all going to come out in the papers so I may as well tell all of you here." He inhaled deeply again before continuing.

"I turn into a werewolf on the full moon."

There were small gasps from the crowd; a lady I didn't know even took a step back.

"My friends found out when we were in our second year of Hogwarts. I thought that was it, I was going to have to leave school, I'd never have any friends again and I would have understood too. But James and my other two friends wouldn't accept that. They knew me; they told me I wasn't a monster. They went one further – they decided to become unregistered animagi to be there with me when I changed, as the bite of a werewolf only affects people in human form. They succeeded in our fifth year."

McGonagall's face was a picture of shock and amazement.

"James was a stag. That's where his nickname comes from – he was Prongs. I just… I wanted you all to know that. It summed him up well I think – so proud, so graceful and strong. If you ever saw his patronus then that's what he looked like – a magnificent deer with towering antlers. I'll never forget what he did for me, what all my friends did for me."

Sirius stepped forward then, unashamedly wiping away tears. "God, how do I follow that?" He gripped Remus's shoulder briefly before tucking away his handkerchief. "I'll start from the beginning I guess. The first time I met James was on the Hogwarts Express. He was a cocky little eleven year old, boasting about his family and how he was going to be in Gryffindor just like his dad." Sirius grinned.

"He badly needed his head deflating but he was so bloody good at everything that you couldn't really blame him for being a bit self-assured. Those early years at Hogwarts were the best of my life. Together with James, Remus and another who I won't name - we became the Marauders. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. To say we got up to a bit of mischief was an understatement. James and I were tied for the record of most number of detentions by sixth year; a record I don't think will ever be equaled. I know that the equipment lists are being sent out now with a disclaimer in capitals down the bottom – 'PARENTS ARE REMINDED THAT FIRST YEARS ARE NOT ALLOWED THEIR OWN BROOMSTICK.' I'm sorry to say that James was the one that ruined it for everyone."

"I knew it!" called someone in the crowd.

Sirius chuckled and continued. "Those of us that had brooms all mucked around with them a bit, as eleven year old do. We'd always be on them when we weren't supposed to be; one of our favourite things to do was to hold broomstick races down the hallways. No one was ever seriously injured but it caused a fair amount of mayhem. But the last straw I think was a prank James thought up on his own. He dressed himself up as an owl, complete with a mask and even got a senior to transfigure some wings for him. It was very well done. Anyway, there we were all down at breakfast when the owls start coming in with the morning post. I think you know where I'm going with this now. So in comes James flying in on his broom looking like some freakish giant owl. He crashes down on the Gryffindor table – pumpkin juice went everywhere, it was an absolute mess. Then cool as you please he holds his leg out to me with the newspaper attached. I could barely take it I was laughing that hard. Then he hoots – actually hoots! And then flies off with the rest of the owls." Sirius had to pause for a moment for the laughs to die down.

"Yeah, that was the end of first years being allowed brooms. All jokes aside though, James really grew up between sixth year and our final year. I think some of it was because he'd just lost his parents. Some of it was the responsibility of being Head Boy, and a lot of it was the influence of his wife-to-be – Lily Evans." Sirius paused and gave me a gentle smile.

"James was more than a friend to me – he was my brother. When my family disowned me at the age of 16 the Potters took me in. They become my family. People often mistook James for my brother and we never corrected them, because he was my brother. Getting to stand beside him as best man at your wedding Lily, that was one of my proudest moments. And I'll never forget the joy and celebrations when Harry was born. He loved you both so much."

Sirius's voice was starting to crack. "I'll never forget you mate. It sure won't ever be the same without you here. Rest easy brother."

There wasn't a dry eye left in the crowd. Sirius, Remus, Mad-Eye and Dumbledore each took up position at one of the four corners of the grave. In unison they raised their wands and the casket slowly levitated upwards a few centimeters, then moved over the hole and gently floated downwards to settle at the bottom of the grave. Dumbledore gestured with his wand and the mound of soil moved across to gracefully fill in the hole. The four men then angled their wands up to the sky and a massive plume of golden sparks and smoke burst forth. The form of a glorious stag could be seen within the smoke. As it all cleared it could be seen that a white marble headstone now marked the grave. The inscription on it read, " _The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death._ "


	7. Wake

I was going to punch someone. Specifically, I was going to punch a middle-aged lady who had just finished telling me she "knew exactly how I felt, as her father had recently passed away." She had then proceeded to make cooing noises at Harry and touched his scar before I was able to react. I forced a smile and quickly excused myself, walking briskly outside and breathing a sigh of relief to find there wasn't anyone else nearby. I moved behind a tree before anyone could spot me and deposited Harry in the shade. He was getting so heavy. Sirius and Remus had both tried to take turns looking after him but he was getting upset when he was taken away from me. I didn't really blame him – as far as Harry could understand his dad had disappeared one night and had never come back; it was no wonder he wanted to stick close to me. It didn't help that strange people kept peering at him and touching his forehead. I closed my eyes, leant my forehead against the tree and took some deep breaths. Who even was that lady? What a thoughtless thing to say!

I didn't know if I could face going back in there. The wake had been passing by in a bit of a blur. Most people seemed to be enjoying themselves. There was lots of reminiscing, lots of laughter and toasts, which would have been how James would have wanted it. I just wanted to go home and curl up by myself but I was expected to speak to everyone - accept their condolences, talk about James, talk about how much Harry looked like James… it was too much for me just now. Although I had to admit it had been nice to hear all the old stories again. I thought I had heard of or been witness to just about all of the marauders' exploits but to my surprise I had heard a few new stories. Of course so many of the stories included Pettigrew, which only reminded everyone how unthinkable it was that he had betrayed his closest friends. There was an undercurrent of anger and disbelief that tainted the atmosphere.

Harry was tugging on my robes.

"Where dada?" That was the fourth time he had asked me. I suppressed a frustrated groan and scooped him up again.

"Dada is gone, remember Harry? We're having a big party to say goodbye to dada." I couldn't stay out here forever. I squared my shoulders and took a deep breath before re-entering the marquee. It had been erected in Bathilda Bagshot's sizable garden and charmed to be bigger on the inside to accommodate all the mourners. Hovering in mid-air inside were silver platters of food and refreshments so everyone could help themselves. Along the edges of the marquee were beautiful arrangements of white lilies and red roses. Remus really had outdone himself.

I was pleased to see the crowd had thinned out a lot, as it was late in the afternoon now and people were heading home. I glanced around the room and spied Remus leaning clumsily against the wall on the other size of the marquee. He had evidently had a number of Firewhiskeys and I could see that he had gotten into a heated discussion with Dumbledore. Mary Macdonald intercepted me and was offering to babysit Harry whenever I needed, when snatches of their angry exchange became audible over all the other conversations.

"…ASSURED ME HE WAS THE SPY!" That was Remus's voice. Dumbledore's response was inaudible. "…would have let him rot! … no issue with a death eater swapping sides…"

"Please ...not the same…" responded Dumbledore.

"Trust Snape over him… …TOLD YOU HE WOULDN'T BETRAY THEM!"

Sirius and I exchanged startled glances and hurried over to haul Remus outside.

I took one of Remus's arms and he allowed himself to be pulled away without any real protest. Before following us I heard Sirius say quietly, "This doesn't mean I don't think he has a point, _sir_."

We all burst out into the open air.

"You all right mate?" asked Sirius.

Remus was breathing hard. "I just got so angry! Didn't mean to make a scene… but fuck! How could he let Snape change sides no questions asked but you go straight to Azkaban without a trial!"

"Yeah I know - I'm bloody pissed off too. I'm going to have it out with him don't worry – but time and a place – you know?"

"I'm sorry…."

"Nah it's all good, was about two Firewhiskeys away from going off myself," joked Sirius. He continued, "the person we should really be angry at though is Wormtail, we can't forget that. How could he do what he did?!"

"His animagi was a rat – a freaking rat! How didn't we see it?" raged Remus.

"How long was he spying on us?!" seethed Sirius.

"I thought he was our friend!"

"I didn't even suspect him!" I cried. "I mean… the last time I saw him he seemed down... but I figured that was because we'd just heard about Marlene and Dorcas."

Remus snorted. "Down my arse. Traitorous bloody RAT!"

"I would have died before I betrayed any of you," snarled Sirius.

"As would I," agreed Remus.

"He deserves to die for what he did."

We had been walking as we talked and without really realizing it we ended up outside our old cottage. I inhaled sharply. It really did look like there had been an explosion in Harry's room. Sirius squeezed my hand gently.

"Ok Lils?"

I nodded. "I…I'll stay out here. It's ok." I replied to Sirius's searching look.

The plan had been to go by the house after the funeral to collect some belongings – clothes, books, photos, Harry's toys. From there Sirius and I would get a portkey back to his flat and Remus would apparate home.

I watched Sirius and Remus step hesitantly inside. I hoped they'd find my wand. I felt a bit twitchy standing in the open without it. It was so difficult to let down your guard after you had spent the best part of the last two years in constant hiding.

A thought occurred to me, and I walked around the back of the house to the broom shed. I'd better get James's broom – he would want Harry to have it when he was older. I tried the lock and swore softly at finding myself unable to open it. I was so useless without a wand! I wandered around the small garden absent-mindedly, trying to soothe Harry who was really starting to fuss now. He should have been put down for a nap two hours ago.

Looking around I caught a glimpse of ginger high up in the branches of a tree. Tufty! I moved closer and peered up. There she was, clinging to an out-of-reach branch. She looked scared and miserable. "Here puss puss, here Tufty." She merely looked at me. Damn, I was going to have to get one of the boys to levitate her down.

"Lils?" called Remus.

"I'm out the back!" I called in return.

They both rushed around the house together. "Everything all right?" asked Sirius.

"I've found Tufty!" I cried. "Look – just there!"

"Oh wow, good find Lils!" said Sirius. He was holding something out to me. "Here, thought you'd want this."

My wand! I eagerly reached for it and felt it grow warm in my grip. I pointed it towards Tufty and performed the reverse 'swish and flick' motion to gently float her down to the ground. I put Harry down and crouched down beside him.

"Here Tufty. You poor little cat. Come here girl." Hesitantly Tufty moved over towards us. She seemed to suddenly realize it was safe and began to rub her head against my legs while purring loudly.

"Tufy!" exclaimed Harry. He clumsily gave her a pat and was nearly knocked over when she butted her head into him.

Sirius and Remus had a trunk each – mine and James's old school trunks I realized.

"We got what we could," said Remus. "We had to leave some of the books and James's clothes…" he continued apologetically.

"It's fine," I assured him. "Thanks for doing that for me."

"Shall we be off then?" asked Sirius.

"Oh hang on – I have to get James's broom." I went back over to the shed and muttered a quick _alohomora_ to open the lock. My breath caught and I had to fight back tears as I lifted the broom carefully off its stand. This would have to have been James's most prized possession. So many memories of him on this broom… I quickly wiped my eyes and stepped back outside.

"Ok, lets go."

* * *

Sirius, Harry, Tufty and I all arrived by portky at Sirius's flat on the outskirts of Hogsmeade. As Sirius and I were holding a trunk each, and I was carrying Harry with my free arm and Sirius held the cat with his, we'd had to coax Harry to grab hold of the dirty old gumboot we'd turned into a portkey.

Sirius gave us the 'grand tour' even though we'd been over to his flat numerous times. He opened the guest room – what would now be our room, with a flourish and then stood back waiting for my reaction.

"Oh Sirius – it looks great!" I exclaimed. "You didn't have to do all this!" It was a large room, and Sirius had set it up with a queen size bed on one side and a cot on the other. The cot had a gorgeous Quidditch mobile hanging above it, complete right down to the individual moving balls. There was a change table, as well as a small bookcase and easy chair. A fluffy toy owl was nested on top of the cot and I could see there were a few books already on the bookcase – toddler books as well as some for me.

"This is so thoughtful – you're going to make me cry again!"

Sirius smiled "It's nothing. I just wanted to help make you feel a bit at home here."

I quickly settled a very cranky Harry into his new cot and thankfully it wasn't long until he fell asleep. We transfigured a bed and food and water dishes for Tufty and got her all settled in as well. With a sigh of relief I finally collapsed onto the couch beside Sirius.

"I'm so glad this day is nearly over." I said.

"Same," agreed Sirius. "If we could get through today we can get through anything I reckon."

We sat there in comfortable silence for a short time before Sirius spoke again.

"Harry was a little trooper today hey? I swear I was going to backhand the next person who tried to touch his scar!"

I smiled. "Same. I was fantasying about punching this one lady." Sirius chuckled softly.

"Hey Si?"

"Yeah?"

"There's something you should know if I'm going to be living with you."

"Oh?"

"I um… well, probably in the next few weeks I'm going to start throwing up all the time, and getting all hormonal and crabby, and getting weird cravings…"

Sirius sat bolt upright and stared at me "What! Are you… are you… pregnant?!"

I nodded silently, tears pouring down my cheeks.

"Oh Lily!" He moved closer and wrapped me up in one of his famous bear hugs, and we just sat there like that for a long time, both lost in our thoughts.


	8. St Mungo's

I heaved again, and closed my eyes so I wouldn't see the vomit splattering the inside of the toilet bowl. I felt _awful_. I hadn't eaten anything yet this morning so I was only bringing up bile.

"Lily?" called Sirius. "You ok? Can I get you anything?"

I groaned. "Don't come in here." I sank down onto the cool tiles and willed my stomach to settle.

"Well I've got some toast here if you feel up to it," said Sirius. "I can owl Moody if you want, tell him I'm going to be a bit late?"

"No, you go. I'm fine."

"If you're sure? Harry is dressed, I've packed him a bag…"

"Go Sirius! It's just morning sickness, I'll be fine in a minute."

"Well… ok then. Good luck for today, I'm sure everything will be fine." I heard him say something to Harry and then finally the sound of the door closing.

I sighed and picked myself up off the bathroom floor. The nausea was abating a little now. I turned on the tap and splashed water on my face. It was three weeks now since James's funeral. Sirius and I had both wandered around his house like zombies for the first two weeks, just going through the motions of existing. A week ago Sirius had snapped and decided that he needed to be doing something; he couldn't just sit around the house anymore. He'd contacted Moody and practically begged to be admitted into the Hit Wizard program. The training involved lots of long hours, so I'd been spending lots of time at the flat lately with just Harry. I didn't quite know how I felt – on one hand I wanted to be left alone with my memories of James, but on the other hand I felt desperately lonely. Of course I couldn't say anything to Sirius – he was utterly focused on hunting down Wormtail, and the change in him in the last week was like a fire had been lit inside him. And obviously I also wanted Pettigrew to be brought to justice.

After brushing my teeth I walked out of the bathroom and tried my best to put on an upbeat tone for Harry.

"Ok, ready Harry? We're going into London today! How about that? We're going back to the hospital – remember the hospital Harry?" I gathered all our belongings, making sure there were nappies and a change of clothes. I sent a silent thank you to Sirius when I saw the carefully prepared snacks for Harry and crackers for me.

I threw a handful of floo powder into Sirius's fireplace, and then stepped into the emerald flames with Harry, who was hiding his face against my shirt.

"St Mungo's Hospital" I said clearly, and within a couple of minutes we were stepping out into the floo arrivals hall, which was located adjacent to the reception area. To access the main hospital I spoke to the picture of 'Medea' – one of St Mungo's founders, located beside a seemingly blank wall. "Lily and Harry Potter, to see Healer Wylder" The elderly witch in the portrait inclined her head and the section of wall in front of us became transparent, allowing us to pass through into the reception. I tried not to stare too hard at an unfortunate man who was red in the face and making a high pitched whistling sound as smoke poured out of his ears. A harassed looking lady and two red headed children were arriving from the main entrance at the same time we walked in. With a start I realized I knew the woman – Molly Weasley - Gideon and Fabian's little sister. The smallest boy looked to be about eight, and seemed to be trying not to cry as he cradled a badly broken arm. The taller one looked nearly Hogwarts age and in contrast seemed to be oblivious to the blood running down his face from a nasty head wound. I wonder what had happened? Fabian and Gideon had often spoken fondly of the daredevil stunts their nephews got up to. I tried to catch Molly's eye but she was busy ushering the boys over to the welcome witch.

I turned away and quickly made my way up to the fourth floor. I made myself known at the outpatient desk and took a seat. We didn't have to wait long before healer Wylder called us through to his office. He was very business-like as he took my weight, measurements and cast numerous diagnostic charms. He tutted and admonished me for not taking enough care of myself, as I had lost weight and was anaemic. I tried to explain that I had hardly been able to keep any food down and he tutted again and hastily scrawled out a script for a new potion. He then moved onto Harry, and seemed to brighten as he checked his scar.

"Hmm, very interesting…" he muttered to himself.

"Is everything ok?" I asked.

"Oh yes, yes. I just need to test…" he moved his wand and touched it to Harry's scar as he murmured a spell. To my shock Harry started to scream.

"STOP!" I yelled, "You're hurting him!"

"I'm sorry madam. It's a magic I haven't encountered before. I performed a simple probing spell… if I may?" He raised his wand a second time.

"No!" I cried, horrified. "Look, he's still crying!"

"I'm sorry, but I really must check it properly… there's a … hmm… dark aura."

"Well it's only a scar from Voldemort casting _Avada Kedavra_." I said sarcastically. "Maybe that would account for its _darkness_."

"Yes, well. However, I still need to check it."

"He seems fine, sleeps well and doesn't have any pain from it. Does it have to be right now?" I asked pointedly, comforting Harry whose cries had subsided to gulpy hiccups.

The healer sighed. "Fine. I'll check Harry's scar at a later appointment. Now, I'll write down the directions to healer Munroe's office. She will act as your midwife and will be meeting with you today."

"Ok, thank you." I acquiesced. Thank god a different healer would be looking after my pregnancy.

I fed Harry grapes as I chatted to Jane Munroe. She was sympathetic as I told her how weak and tired I felt all the time, not to mention the relentless morning sickness and seemingly constant headaches.

She performed her own scans and informed me the baby was slightly smaller than average – something to do with the placenta not being completely attached. She read the panic in my expression and assured me it wasn't anything to worry about. She wrote me out an additional script for another potion and kindly sent both scripts down to the potioneers, as the second one would take about an hour to be ready.

While we waited I took the opportunity to visit Alice and Frank again. I made my way up the corridor and cautiously pushed the door open, as I could hear some soft voices from inside. I was greeted with the sight of Frank's formidable mother, little Neville and a conscious Alice.

"Hello" I said shyly, "I'm so sorry to intrude…"

Augusta Longbottom's face smoothed as she recognised me. "Not at all Lily, come on in. Nice of you to visit."

I didn't know whether she genuinely meant it was nice I was there or if she was implying that I should have visited sooner. Frank's mother had always scared me a little. I smiled weakly at her and hesitantly walked in. Augusta was seated beside Frank, and Neville was sitting on the floor sucking on a play wand.

"Hi Neville," I said as he looked up curiously. "Remember Harry?" I put Harry down on the floor as well and the two seemed to quickly recognise each other. I spotted a battered looking toy dragon and passed it to Harry to play with. One wing was very bent and didn't flap properly but Harry didn't seem to care. As the two toddlers babbled unintelligible words at each other I sat down beside Alice.

"Hey Ali, good to see you." She was looking blankly around the room. Her gaze seemed to catch mine for a second but then her eyes flicked quickly across my face without recognition.

After about twenty awkward minutes I was ashamed to feel relief as the visit was cut short by Harry and Neville starting to wail. Apparently they both wanted to play with the same toy.

"No Harry!" I exclaimed. "You don't bite your friends. That's naughty!"

I apologised profusely to Augusta as we calmed the kids down. Before we left I planted a quick kiss on the top of Neville's head. "Your mum and dad love you so much," I whispered.

I walked around the corridors with Harry waving at all the moving portraits until my potions were ready. I tucked the flasks securely in my bag and we made our way back down to the exit. To my shock a flashlight exploded in my face. I drew my wand without thinking but realised as another flash went off that it was a reporter taking photos. He started to fire rapid questions at me as I ducked my head and hurried over to the floo hall.

"Has Harry been injured? Any long term spell damage? How are you coping with the death of your husband? Are you worried there are still dark wizards after you?"

Somehow I managed to get to a fire and say the address clearly enough to arrive back at Sirius's house. I stood in the living room unable to believe what had just happened. Harry was crying again. I had just managed to settle him in his cot when Sirius stormed through the front door with a murderous look on his face.

"God damn him to hell!" he exploded.

"Sirius!" I hissed. "I've just got Harry down!" I grabbed his arm and dragged him into the kitchen. "What on earth happened?"

"We were that close to catching Wormtail! Bloody Merlin, we nearly had him Lils!"

"What! What happened?!"

Sirius was pacing dramatically around the kitchen table.

"Bloody idiot thought he'd pass himself off as someone's pet rat. Good cover if I hadn't told the whole ministry about his little disguise." Sirius snorted and ran a hand through his dishevelled hair, breathing hard. "Lucky for us he chose a wizarding family where the husband actually worked for the ministry. He was suspicious right away - got a discrete owl off to his boss. Anyway, the whole hit team apparated in together. Took him completely by surprise! He knew he was had – made a bolt for it. We would have had him too if it wasn't for these couple of kids unlucky enough to come between us. Actually I'm sure Wormtail knew they were mucking around just there – used them as a cover." Sirius took a few deep breaths, trying to control himself.

"By Merlin Lily – I'm going to kill that bloody rat!"


	9. Christmas

_Dear Petunia_

 _I hope this finds you well. I bet you've been busy organising Christmas lunch. I'm sure you're surprised to hear from me, given the outcome of our last meeting. I assure you I have no hard feelings. I hope Vernon and Dudley are well also._

 _I apologise for the bluntness of this letter but I don't know how else to write this. A lot has changed since we last spoke. I'm now a widow. Please don't tell me that I'm better off without him. You never saw what a wonderful husband and father he was. I can't even begin to put into words how much I miss him._

 _There's something else I have to tell you – you're going to be an aunt again. Turns out I was a few weeks pregnant when James died. You're the only relatives I have left in the world now. God Tuney, I miss mum and dad so much. They'd have been the best grandparents._

 _Anyway, I don't expect you to reply or even to know what to say. I don't think anything anyone can say would help honestly. I'm a pregnant 21-year-old war widow, and there's nothing anyone can do to change that; I'm just going to have to keep on going for the sake of Harry and the baby._

 _I hope you have a good Christmas,_

 _Love Lily_

I put my pen down and sighed. For a short letter it had taken a surprisingly long time to write. In the end I'd just decided to be blunt and put it all down on the page. I checked over the letter quickly. I hadn't written the word 'widow' up until now, and it hurt to see it there in black and white. I wasn't really sure why I had bothered writing – Petunia was disgusted by what I was and I knew she had hated James. 'Freak' was the word she had favoured. It just didn't feel right though that she didn't know what was going on in my life. We had been close as children and I missed our connection. Christmas always made me think of family and happier times.

I rolled the letter up into a tight scroll and whistled over Hooti – Sirius's little tawny owl. His actual name was Tehuti but no one really called him that. He blinked sleepily at me while holding out his leg and then hooted softly before launching himself out the window.

The fire burst into life behind me, startling me slightly. This would be Remus on his way over. For Christmas Eve we'd decided that the three of us plus Harry would go for a walk through Hogsmeade, ostensibly for Harry's sake to see all the Christmas lights but really so we could all feel a bit normal again, doing normal Christmas things. Remus stepped out of the fire and smiled at me warmly.

"Merry Christmas Lily." Harry toddled into the room just then – he must have heard the fire.

"Unc Moony!"

"Heya Harry!" Remus scooped Harry up and held him with one arm while he unslung a bag from his shoulder. "Where's the tree Harry?" Harry pointed eagerly. Remus made a show of noticing it. "Oh wow, what a great tree! Real fairy lights! Did you help decorate it? Better put this under it, hey?" Harry grinned delightedly while Remus bent down and carefully stowed his bundle beside the handful of presents already under the tree. Remus straightened up with a groan. "Gee you're getting heavy Harry! How much have you grown?" He walked over and kissed me on the cheek. "How're you doing Lils?" he asked softly. I shrugged

"Oh, you know, keeping busy. My 'morning sickness' is actually morning sickness now and not 'all day sickness,' so that's something."

"That's good. You look better."

"You're not going to say I'm _glowing_ are you?"

"I wouldn't dare," grinned Remus. He hoisted Harry up onto his shoulders. "Alright are we going or what? Where's your uncle Padfoot Harry? Let's go find him."

Finally we were all assembled and ready to head out. Sirius and I shrugged on our winter coats and Harry insisted on staying on Remus's shoulders. I pulled my hood snugly over my head and opened the door. It looked magical outside. We'd just had a fresh fall of snow and there were still a few snowflakes falling softly. It was just starting to get dark so you could see there were enchanted candles surrounded by flitterby moths twinkling at nearly every house. It was a clear night so the stars just starting to appear in the sky added to the wonder of the whole spectacle. I felt my throat clench tight. How could a world without James seem so beautiful and magical?

We wandered slowly through the village, taking everything in. Hogsmeade was bustling with families and couples doing the same as us. I was glad that no one paid us much attention, and Harry wasn't the only small child on someone's shoulders exclaiming over everything. The highlight was old Mr Dearborn's house. He had somehow coaxed a small herd of reindeer into his front garden and they ambled about unconcernedly while fairies flittered around their antlers.

We wandered right through the town centre past groups of carollers and over to the other side of the village, where the crowds thinned out dramatically. We turned off the main road and made our way up the path to the shrieking shack. As we emerged at the small hillock overlooking the shack we came across a teenage couple locked together in a passionate embrace. Sirius cleared his throat loudly and they sprung apart shooting us a startled look and hurried quickly back down the path hand-in-hand, leaving us the area to ourselves. Sirius shook a rug out from his bag and laid it on the ground. We settled ourselves down and Sirius dug around in his bag some more.

"Ah ha!" he exclaimed. "Hot butterbeer." He brandished a large flask. "Non-alcoholic," he added, looking at me. "Oh, I forgot cups…" Remus rolled his eyes in a teasing manner and went about transfiguring some twigs into mugs. We sprawled comfortably on the rug with our hands cupped around our steaming mugs. I put a warming charm on Harry's frozen hands and snuggled him up beside me.

"Remember when we spent a whole Hogsmeade afternoon up here under the cloak?" asked Remus.

"Throwing snowballs at everyone that came past?" smirked Sirius. "Yeah I remember. And remember when we wrapped the cloak right around James while he was on his broom?"

"That's right! And he swooped everyone along the path."

I smiled. "What was the point of that?"

"It seriously unnerved people – you know, the feeling of something rushing by you but not being able to see anything," replied Remus.

"And it was our duty to uphold the rumours that the shack was haunted," said Sirius solemnly.

"What, the howling coming from the place every month wasn't enough?" I joked.

Sirius shrugged.

"Ah well, it was all in good fun." He turned to Remus. "Maybe we should have another full moon there, for old times sake?" Remus was silent for a moment before replying slowly.

"Nah…it…it wouldn't be the same." We sat there quietly for a short while, gazing up at the stars. Suddenly Sirius thrust his mug into the air.

"To James!"

"To James" we both echoed.

We lost track of time while we sat there talking quietly and reminiscing. Eventually we stretched and got to our feet, packing up our little picnic. We walked back to Sirius's place together, Sirius carrying Harry who was fast asleep. Back at the flat we tucked Harry in and then got Remus settled on the couch. Sleepily I said goodnight to both boys and slipped into bed.

* * *

Christmas morning dawned bright and crisp. I awoke to the smell of coffee wafting into my room. Rolling out of bed I noted that Harry's crib was empty. I freshened myself up in the bathroom before emerging into the living room, where I was a bit put out to see everyone else was already awake.

"Mama!" called Harry, reaching out for me.

"Merry Christmas Harry," I smiled. "Merry Christmas you two – what have you been up to?"

"Hey, I always wake up early!" protested Sirius. "I peeked in on the little tyke here and found he was awake too, so then we both went and jumped on Moony, hey Harry?" Harry grinned up at him.

Remus rubbed his side. "You didn't have to jump right on me," he said reproachfully. "Remember you do weigh a lot more than Harry."

Sirius gave him a friendly pat on the back, "Ah you'll be right old fella. Now, to business! Presents!"

"You don't want breakfast first?" I asked.

"Nah, breakfast can wait. We want presents, hey Harry!"

"Pwesents!" agreed Harry.

"Ah, I see I'm outnumbered!" I smiled and settled myself on the couch beside Remus and gratefully accepted the cup of coffee he handed me.

"Let's see…" Sirius looked around at the small pile of presents. "One for Harry first." He reached behind the tree and pulled out a slim, carefully wrapped package. "This one is from Uncle Moony too. Merry Christmas Harry."

"Merry Christmas," added Remus with a smile.

"Say ta," I said, before Harry could rip into the paper.

"Ta," he said obediently, then started to unwrap the package with Sirius's help.

"Boom!" he cried excitedly.

"We thought we'd replace his old one," said Sirius. "He seemed to like it so much."

"Boom boom boom!" cried Harry as he scrambled onto it.

"Oh god, here we go. Where's the poor cat?" I said laughingly. While Harry was occupied zooming around the room we exchanged gifts between ourselves.

Sirius eagerly distributed the rest of his gifts – a heavy rectangular package for me and a smaller, oddly shaped one for Remus, then sat back to watch impatiently while we unwrapped them. Mine was a beautiful hardbound book titled 'The Healer's Handbook.' I gasped.

"Thank you so much Sirius, this is _the_ Healers book!"

He looked pleased. "Well, I thought maybe you'd like to get back into your Healer studies, now that the war is over. And if not, well," he shrugged, "I'm sure there's some good stuff in there for when the little terror here gets into some scrapes."

Remus's gift turned out to be a gorgeous gold watch. Sirius enthusiastically showed him how you could change the dial to show all sorts of different information including the phases of the moon.

Remus reached into the bag he'd placed under the tree and grinned when he saw which present he'd pulled out.

"Here you go Padfoot," he said as he passed it over. Sirius tore into it eagerly and laughed at the sight of a large plastic dog bone. "It squeaks," added Remus. I smiled as well – getting Sirius muggle dog toys was a running joke that the marauders had. A mischievous glint appeared in Sirius's eye and next second a large black dog was in our midst. He grabbed the toy off the couch and tore around the lounge room squeaking it madly. Harry squealed with delight and then promptly crashed his broom into the wall with a loud bang. Tufty the cat had just ventured into the room, lured by the wrapping paper strewn all about. Immediately all her hair went on end and she hissed before bolting away to safety.

Sirius changed back to himself and lay on the ground roaring with laughter. We quietened Harry who wasn't really hurt at all, as the broom had inbuilt cushioning charms. Our proper presents to Sirius were both along the same line of thought – things that a Hit Wizard might need. I got him a dragonhide chest plate and Remus gave him a new travelling cloak and wand holster. My present to Remus was a box of Honeyduke's best chocolate. In return he gave me a delicate locket shaped like a stag's head.

"Oh, thank you so much Moony." I said, tears forming in my eyes.

"Look," he said as he bent down to the locket and whispered "Prongs." It sprung open to reveal a photo of James with his head thrown back in laughter. As I watched he looked to his side and I recognised myself as he pulled me close and kissed my hair. I was laughing too. It looked to have been taken at our engagement party. I wiped away tears; I could hardly trust myself to speak. "Thank you," I whispered. Both boys hugged me tight. Harry must have felt left out as he came over and grabbed my leg.

"Hawwy up!" he demanded, lightening the mood.

* * *

Later in the morning I was cleaning up after breakfast when Hooti appeared at the window. To my surprise he carried a slip of paper.

 _Lily_

 _I'm not going to lie – I was shocked to receive your letter. Despite what you think of me I'm sorry to hear that you are widowed. And to be pregnant on top of that - I hope you have good friends around you to support you at this time. You're right – there really isn't anything I can say that would help, so I won't. I'm sure you've had plenty of people murmur the same condolences about time healing all. God knows we heard enough of those when mum and dad died. I think of them everyday. I'm also sorry that Dudley won't know his grandparents. And I am honesty saddened that both your children will grow up without their father. How far along are you? I shouldn't be telling you this yet – but I'm expecting again as well. I'm only six weeks along._

 _Petunia_

 _PS_ _Do not_ _send owls to our house. You're lucky Vernon wasn't at home when it arrived or he would have had a conniption._


	10. Twenty-two

30th January 1982

I woke up feeling strange. I lay quietly in bed – what was different about today? My duvet had half fallen off in the night and my legs were freezing. That wasn't it though. With a jolt I remembered - I was twenty-two today. I used to get excited by my birthdays, but now I just felt numb. James would never turn twenty-two.  
I couldn't help remembering my birthday the previous year. I'd woken up feeling warm and snug beside James. His arm had been thrown lazily over my waist, and as I stirred he'd sleepily stretched and then snuggled me close. He'd whispered huskily in my ear – 'Happy birthday gorgeous.' Harry had been six months old at the time and for whatever reason he hadn't woken up at the crack of dawn for once, so James and I were able to have a stolen morning in bed together. Even though we were in hiding we still had each other and felt safe in our little family unit.  
I stared up at the ceiling, unable to stop myself remembering. Now that was all gone. No, not all gone, I corrected myself. I still had Harry. I still had Sirius and Remus. Not to mention my 'unexpected news.' I absent-mindedly caressed my stomach. I was about four months pregnant. Other people might not observe the slight bump under my clothes, but my new curves were very noticeable to me now.

We would be having a quiet gathering later in the day, just Remus, Sirius, Mary and Abby – my nurse from St Mungo's. I'd run into Abby again when I had to go back to St Mungo's for another quick check-up with my Healer and we'd ended up getting coffee together. We'd been catching up regularly since then and had become close in a short period of time. I sighed and reluctantly rolled out of bed. If it were up to me I'd probably spend my day sitting by James's grave lost in my memories. Probably not very healthy to do that though, and it would undoubtedly just alarm my friends. I squeezed the bronze locket that I wore always now. I was so sick of putting on a brave face all the time!

I'd insisted that I wanted a quiet birthday and no presents. Sirius had mostly listened to me, although there was a beautiful arrangement of lilies on the kitchen table when I walked in.

"Oh those," he said casually, "You know me – always sprucing the place up. Complete coincidence they turned up today." He grinned and slung an arm around shoulders, hugging me close for a second. Sirius served up a delicious pancake breakfast and then I spent a nice morning with Harry reading stories from Beedle the Bard and Dr Seuss while Sirius tinkered around with his bike. It was a Saturday so he didn't have to go into work.

Sirius had taken Harry out with him to grab a few last minute things before our guests arrived. I had just sat down to read my book when there was a tap on the door. Sirius must have forgotten his key. We'd increased the security on the door so that no spell could unlock it, only the enchanted key that we each had. Sirius kept forgetting his – this would be the third time now. I glanced through the peephole and froze with shock. I opened the door roughly.

"What are you doing here?" I hissed.

Severus Snape arched an eyebrow "Can't an old friend come by to wish you a happy birthday?"

"Not if they're a Death Eater they can't. You're not welcome here."

Severus held out his hands palms up "Please Lily…"

"Don't 'please Lily' me!" I interrupted. "How dare you show up here! Were you watching the house?"

"I need to talk to you."

"Well I don't wish to talk to _you_." I spat. "Please leave."

Severus crossed his arms.

"You need to leave! I have nothing to say to you, and Merlin knows what the reporters will say if they see you on my front step!"

Severus scowled. "I'm not leaving until I've said what I came to say."

I pinched the bridge of my nose and took a slow breath in and out. Sirius would have a fit if he knew Severus was here. I stepped back and gestured sharply. "You've got two minutes."

I shut the door quickly and turned back around to face him. I crossed my arms and leant against the wall. "Well?"

"No 'have a seat' or 'anything to drink?'" drawled Severus.

"I am _this close_ to blasting you through the wall" I hissed.

"Alright, alright. I just wanted to see how you were… how are you doing?"

"What's it to you?"

"I know how it can be – all the messages and flowers and everything in the first few weeks, and then they all move on… get back to their own lives. I just wanted to say… if there's anything I can do or…?"

"You're joking," I cut him off. "You've been working for the supremacist lunatic who murdered my husband and most of my friends for the last, what – five years? And you think it's ok to waltz into my home and ask how I'm doing?!"

Severus had a pained look on his face. "I know, I know, I've got no right! I should have stayed away."

"Yeah, you probably should have."

"You heard, didn't you, that I changed sides? I was a spy for the Order before his downfall…"

I rolled my eyes. "Oh sure. And Malfoy and Nott were under the _Imperius_ curse, and Crouch was just in the wrong place at the wrong time…"

"It's true! You can ask Dumbledore! I swear Lily!"

I snorted. "Ok, so you were only a Death Eater for four years, that makes it _so_ much better."

"I'd take it all back Lily! There's nothing I will ever regret more. I'm sorry… that's what I really wanted to say Lily – I'm so, so sorry." He was starting to cry.

"Well, sorry isn't going to bring back the dead." I watched him with disgust as he wept into his hands. "Anyway, if that's true… why the change of heart?"

Severus took a shuddering breath. "It was the prophecy…"

I inhaled quickly. "What about the prophecy?"

"He thought it meant you!"

"That it meant _Harry_." I corrected sharply.

"Yes, that's what I meant. He took it to mean Harry – which meant he'd kill all of you."

"So? I'm a 'mudblood,' – he'd already tried to kill me more than once. My 'type' is what you were all so bloody fixed on eradicating, remember?"

"I know! That's when I came to my senses – when he was after you and your baby. You! You were the most charismatic, kindest, smartest person in our year. And Harry was just a baby! It was so wrong. I realised I had been wrong – you hadn't done anything to deserve to die! You weren't a blight against wizard-kind. Far from it! That's when I went to Dumbledore; I told him everything. I begged him to protect you. He was supposed to protect you damnit!"

"Yeah, you can thank Pettigrew for that." I said bitterly. "Wait – so you went and pleaded with Dumbledore… did you go to Voldemort too? Did you ask him to spare me?"

Severus nodded slowly. "Yes. I asked him to spare you."

"Just me? Not the innocent baby? Not James – the other person in the house who wasn't implicated in the prophecy?"

Severus's face darkened. "Well, I'd hardly beg for the life of the person who'd made my school years a living hell."

"He pranked you and called you Snivellus for god's sake! Yes – it wasn't nice, but surely not worth being murdered for!"

"Yeah well, you're such a bloody saint, I guess you would plead the Dark Lord for the life of your childhood bully," he sneered. "Not that you'd even know how it feels to be bullied."

"Ok, fine. I guess I don't. As far as I remember though you initiated lots of those pranks, and you always gave as good as you got."

"Oh what, I was supposed to let his little gang walk all over me was I?"

"Of course not! Urgh!" I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. "I shouldn't have said that – of course you wouldn't ask for James to be spared too. I don't get it though – why did you even ask that I be spared? We haven't been friends since fifth year."

"I told you – I came to my senses. Your death would have been exceedingly wasteful."

I glared at him suspiciously. "I wish you'd had your little 'revelation' before all the other innocent people with their whole lives ahead of them died at the hands of the Death Eaters." I groaned with frustration again. "Fuck – I suppose I should be thanking you."

"No, you don't need to do that. I'm shocked that he even listened to me."

"I've always wondered why I survived that night. Now I know."

"Please forgive me Lily?"

I felt my face harden again. "Look, I'm thankful I'm alive, and I'm glad you came around at the end – but I don't think it makes up for all those years you were a loyal Death Eater. I lost most of the people I was closest to – maybe not directly at your hands, but through the organisation you were involved in. Thanks to Voldemort and his followers like you, my kids will grow up without their father." I froze – hopefully Severus wouldn't notice the slip of my tongue, but I had unconsciously touched my stomach while I spoke, and he was too observant to miss the movement.

His eyes widened in surprise. "You're not…?"

"Yes, I'm pregnant." I snapped.

"Is it… his?"

"Is it James's? Of course it bloody is! Who else but my husband! You think I'm some whore, do you?

He started to stammer something incomprehensible but I cut him off by swinging the door open. "Get the hell out Severus. Don't come back here again."


	11. Flight

I hummed under my breath as I supervised the pots simmering away on Sirius's stove. Flicking my wand to keep the spoon stirring, I opened the window to cut some parsley from my little windowsill herb garden. The large pot of pumpkin soup was for Remus. I was really worried about him; he was struggling to find even part-time work and I wasn't sure how well he was eating. He tried to hide it, but I knew he was drinking a lot as well. The smaller pot was a hangover remedy. This one I stirred myself – potions needed precisely counted clockwise and counter clockwise stirs if you wanted it to be any good.

Just as I finished up, a large barn own appeared at the open window. I had taken to getting the paper delivered, even though it was only a short walk down to Hogsmeade's main street. There were often one or two reporters who would accost me as I left the flat. Surely there was something more interesting to report on by now? I didn't feel it was very healthy for Harry to be cooped up inside all the time though, so lately I had been flooing to friends' houses and going for walks around their neighbourhoods. I still had to be careful doing this, as the few friends I had mainly lived in wizard-dense areas where we were at risk of being recognised. A lot of the time we went to Remus's cottage and wandered around in the woods – when there wasn't a full moon of course. Tonight was one of those times. Sirius was preparing to head over to Remus's shortly. He'd got an early mark from work and been in the shower for at least twenty minutes already. Merlin knew why he bothered seeing as though he'd spend the night running around in a forest with a werewolf.

I absentmindedly paid the owl and began to unroll the Prophet. The date at the top read the 8th of February 1982. I unrolled it further and nearly dropped it in shock. Blazoned across the front page was the headline 'KNOCKED UP BY DEAD HUSBAND'S BEST FRIEND!' It was completed by a full-page photograph of me that must have been taken just three days ago, as I rushed through St Mungo's on the way home from yet another check-up. I looked frazzled and was just barely showing in the photo as I raced past the camera, trying to shield my face. Horrified, I skimmed over the article. Apparently I was three months pregnant, Sirius having taken advantage of me mere weeks after the soil had settled on my brave husband's grave.

The paper started to crinkle as I clenched it with white-knuckled hands.

"SIRIUS!"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm finishing up, hold your hippogriffs."

"No, it's the paper! This awful article – it's on the front page!"

"Huh?" I heard the water turn off and within moments Sirius emerged from the bathroom with a towel around his waist, shaking the water from his hair like a dog.

Wordlessly I thrust the paper at him. As he read I watched as his brow furrowed deeper and he became more and more red in the face. Finally he threw the paper down. "What bloody rot! How dare they! Who wrote this?"

"Didn't look." I snatched the paper back up. "It doesn't say."

"Bloody coward. Right, I'm going to sort this out. They can't keep publishing this." He grabbed his wand and key off the table. " _Accio_ pants. _Accio_ shirt."

"What? You're going right now?"

"I'm going to get them to stop printing this utter hogwash and issue an apology!"

"Oh ok…but won't Remus be wondering where you are?"

Sirius paused. "Damn… nah it's ok, I'll send him an owl."

"Sirius, what difference is it going to make going to the Prophet? The article is already published!"

Sirius looked at me incredulously. "Aren't you angry about this?!"

"Of course I am! I just don't see how going over there while you're upset and making a scene will change anything!"

"Lily that article is about me too! There are people out there who will believe what it says! That I would do something like that… there are people who would think that of me!"

"No-one who really matters would think that of you…"

"You think?! There are people who still half believe it was me who sold you to Voldemort! Don't you give me that look – I hear them muttering to their friends as I walk by!"

I threw my hands up. "Alright! Go! I just still don't see how it will help…"

"Well I can get them to stop printing it, can't I? And I can make sure they print a retraction in tomorrow's paper, otherwise I'll take them to court. And yeah you're right – the damage has been done – but I'm not going to sit on my hands and do nothing!"

I turned away as he finished dressing.

"Shit…are you crying Lils? I'm sorry…"

I wiped away a tear hurriedly. "No – you're right, I was being silly. Sorry - I don't know why I'm crying, just upset and angry I guess."

Sirius paused at the door and watched me concernedly.

"Go Sirius! See if you can sort it… don't worry about me – stupid pregnancy hormones!"

Sirius half smiled and stooped to check the peephole. He swore again. "The reporters are already swarming out the front! Damn them. I hate using the floo."

He stalked over to the fireplace while I followed. We could only apparate from outside the flat, due to all the wards in place.

"Owl Moony for me would you Lily?"

I nodded. "Sure."

"I'll head round to his as soon as I sort all this out. Don't go outside – it's insane out there. I'll be back in the morning, alright?"

"Alright, see you. Be safe."

He winked and stepped into the flames. "The Daily Prophet Headquarters."

I turned away from the fireplace and tried to gather my thoughts. I checked in on Harry first. He was lying in his cot, staring at the quiddich mobile above his head.

"Hey Harry. Time to get up, yeah?"

I lifted him out of his cot, checked his nappy and then carried him into the kitchen. I set him up on the floor with some paper and crayons as lately he'd been enjoying scribbling. Unfortunately his preferred canvas was a wall, but at least it was easy enough to clean off. Satisfied that he was occupied, I wrote a quick note to Remus telling him what had happened, and that Sirius would be along a bit later. I deliberated for a second about what to do about the soup and hangover potion canisters. In the end I tied them together with a loop at the top for Hooti to grab onto, and cast a shrinking charm and a featherweight charm on them. Poor Hooti was only little after-all. As he launched himself out the window I heard a shout from someone out the front of the house. I hoped they weren't so intrusive that they'd try to follow the owl. They'd be in for a surprise if they did anyway.

I played with Harry for a while, making silly voices for his toy dragons while inside I was seething over the article, hearing the words of it in my head over and over. I decided we'd have an early supper, so I served up the small portion of soup I'd kept aside for us. The reporters must have become bored, as soon they got bolder – one of them even knocking on the door. I shushed Harry, who kept asking who was there.

"Lily Potter? Care to make a comment?"

I got out Harry's broom to distract him, while I curled up on the couch with my book and tried my best to ignore the noise from outside. Most of it was muffled but I could occasionally make out our names. Another couple of people knocked on the door. I was getting tenser and more on-edge as the evening wore on. The last straw was when I clearly heard someone yell "Slut!"

I got to my feet. Screw this; there was no way I could stay here tonight. I needed to get as far away from here as possible. I went into my room and started throwing things in a bag. I'd just get away for a few days, while everything settled down again. Bag packed, I sat down at the kitchen table and scrawled a quick note to Sirius.

I glanced around the flat – did I have everything? Tufty brushed herself against my legs and mewed mournfully. "Oh Tufty, I'm sorry. I think you'll be happier if you stay here though. Sirius will look after you."

Tufty gave me a hard look. "Don't look at me like that, you'll be fine." I shook some extra biscuits into her bowl. She'd never liked Sirius – not since the first time she'd seen him transform into Padfoot.

I gathered Harry and stepped into the Floo, without much more than a vague plan to get as far away from the wizarding world as possible. I hesitated before stating an address. If they weren't expecting someone, most people deactivated incoming Floo connections after a certain time, so they couldn't be broken into while they slept. After a few seconds I made a decision. "The Leaky Cauldron."

I held Harry close and watched the fireplaces flick past. Finally we came to a stop and I hurried through the bar, which was nearly empty, it being a Monday night. I stepped out into muggle London and walked a short way down the street before I allowed myself to relax and take in the familiar sounds of traffic and people bustling along. I thrust out my wand arm and with a sharp 'BANG' the Knight bus appeared in front of us. I gave the conductor the most muggle address I could think of.

A short time later we arrived in a neat little suburb.

"Sure this is right miss?" asked the conductor.

"Yep, this is it." I cast a gentle _confundus_ charm on him as we disembarked, so that he would get the address a bit muddled. He didn't seem to recognise us, but I wasn't taking any chances.

Up until this point I had been very hasty and impulsive, but now I walked up the path with trepidation, starting to regret my decision. I steeled myself and knocked on the door.

The porch light flicked on and I heard light steps approaching. There was a pause as they reached the door, and I held my breath. Finally the door swung open.

"Hello Tuney."


	12. Petunia

"Lily, what on earth are you doing here?" hissed Petunia.

I was struck by how similar her reaction was to mine just a week previously when Severus had turned up on my doorstep.

"I…I'm sorry. Something's happened – I needed to get away and I didn't know where else to go."

Petunia pursed her lips and looked us up and down. "Have you been hurt?"

"No," I answered quickly. "Nothing like that."

Petunia was standing in the hall, with the door open only as much as necessary. "Well it's very rude to just turn up without warning. Don't you have friends? Doesn't _your kind_ have such a thing as a hotel?"

I looked down for a moment and scuffed my foot on the ground. "That's the thing… I wanted to get away from 'my kind.' I'd have gone to a hotel but I don't have any mug…money."

"No money?" Petunia scoffed.

"No pounds," I corrected. "I'll change my money when the shops open tomorrow."

Petunia looked unimpressed. She glanced around furtively at the houses on either side.

I sighed. "Look, this was a stupid idea – I don't know what I was thinking. Sorry to bother you. We'll go find a shelter or something." I turned and walked slowly back down the path. Was I really surprised? What did I think would happen – Petunia would welcome us with open arms? I internally berated myself. So stupid. Now where would we go?

"Lily wait."

I paused and hesitantly faced my sister. She was still standing in the doorway, looking torn. "One night. That's it. Vernon gets back tomorrow and there must be no trace that you were here."

"Thank you." I said softly.

"Hmph." She stepped back to let us in, and then closed the door quickly behind us.

"Where is Vernon?" I ventured.

"Business trip." she replied shortly. "I'll have to make up the spare bed."

"That's ok – just show me where the sheets are and I'll do it."

Petunia went to make her way up the staircase.

"This is your nephew Harry, by the way."

Harry peeked at her shyly, his head tucked close to my neck.

"Hmph," she said again, giving him a cursory look. "Very untidy hair."

I bit back a rude retort and followed her upstairs.

"Dudley is already asleep, so don't make any noise." She passed me an armful of linen and gestured us towards the spare bedroom. "The bathroom is on the right."

I smiled weakly. "Thanks Tuney. Goodnight."

She inclined her head stiffly and entered her own room, shutting the door swiftly behind her.

"Alrighty then." I tore my eyes away from Petunia's closed door and nudged open the door to the guest bedroom. It was a small, sparse room, and meticulously clean. "Well Harry, how about you pick out a bedtime story while mum makes the bed."

After Harry had fallen asleep, I lay awake for a while, listening to him breathe beside me. I certainly wouldn't be hanging around the next day – the feeling was mutual there. I had no doubts that if Vernon had been home then Petunia would have sent us on our way. I should be thankful for small miracles I guess.

* * *

I startled awake the next morning at the sound of a toddler bawling. After a second I realised Harry was still sleeping peacefully beside me and I remembered where we were.

I heard Petunia's voice clearly through the thin walls.

"There's my little Duddeykins!" she cooed loudly. "Oh, my poor little Dinkey Duddey, have you got a dirty nappy-poo?"

I rolled my eyes and tried to edge out of bed without waking Harry. Unfortunately he did wake, and promptly began to cry at finding himself somewhere strange. I laid back down and cuddled him close.

"Shhh, it's ok Harry. Mama's here."

After settling Harry I peered out the window. It was a dull, grey, miserable morning. Great – exactly fitting with my mood.

I lingered in the bedroom, making the bed and packing up our few belongings while I listened to Petunia and Dudley's movements. Only once they'd gone downstairs did I venture into the bathroom. I told myself it wasn't cowardly, just polite.

I descended the stairs carrying Harry on my hip and deposited our bag by the front door, before emerging into the kitchen. You never knew when you might need to make a hasty exit. Dudley was sitting in his high chair, banging his spoon impatiently, while Petunia was busy stirring a pot on the stove.

"Good morning Petunia." I greeted her formally.

She half turned towards us. "Morning. I trust you slept well."

"Yes thank you, very well." There was an awkward silence. I cleared my throat softly. "Anything I can help you with?"

"No, thank you," she replied stiffly. "I'm making porridge, but there is cereal or toast if you'd prefer that."

"Porridge is perfect, thanks." I hesitantly seated myself at the table, moving Harry onto my lap.

"Hello Dudley - I'm your Aunty Lily." I gave him a friendly smile. "And this is your cousin Harry."

Dudley continued to drum his spoon on his high chair, watching us intently.

"Harry, this is Dudley. Can you say 'Dudley'?" Harry shyly mumbled something that might have started with D. "How about you Dudley, can you say 'Harry'?"

"Shan't!" yelled Dudley.

"Oh, that's ok," I replied, taken aback.

"That's his favourite word." Petunia informed me.

"That's nice."

* * *

Breakfast was a terse, awkward affair. Dudley threw a tantrum, flinging porridge around the room, while Harry and I watched on wide-eyed.

"He must have reached the 'Terrible Twos' early," I joked, which was met with stony-faced silence by Petunia.

After breakfast, Petunia turned on the TV and settled Dudley in front of it. Harry gravitated over, watching the TV with fascination and sat down beside Dudley. I smiled to see the two little cousins sitting together - one small child with wild dark hair, and the other chubby with neat blonde hair.

I helped Petunia in the kitchen, silently drying the dishes that she washed. I fished around for something to say, something that we might have in common.

"So, have you had any morning sickness? I had it quite bad – it's only in the last week really that…" I trailed off. Petunia had suddenly frozen and was staring out of the window. "Tuney? Did I say something…?"

She spoke so quietly that I nearly didn't hear her. "I lost the baby."

"No!" I breathed, aghast. "Oh Tuney, I'm so sorry!" I moved to hug her, but she tensed up and I let my arm drop awkwardly to my side. "God Tuney, that's awful. I couldn't even imagine…"

A single tear coursed down her cheek. "It happened two weeks ago. I found out just before we were about to announce it to our friends."

Tentatively I touched her arm. She stiffened, but didn't move away.

"I'm so sorry Tuney – here I am just turning up out of the blue, all self absorbed with my own problems… I had no idea…."

Her tears were coming faster now. I looked around hastily for a box of tissues. Failing that, I hugged her properly. She passively let me do it and then pulled away. She fished a handkerchief out of her pocket and composed herself. "Yes, well. It always was just about you."

"Excuse me?"

"Growing up I mean - it was always 'Lily this', and 'Lily that'. Not surprising that you'd only think of yourself."

I was speechless for a few seconds. "Petunia – how was I to know! All I was thinking was that you're my _sister_ and I had no-where else to go!"

She rounded on me. "But you know how Vernon and I feel about _your lot_! Turning up here… exposing Dudley to your…strangeness!"

"It's not bloody contagious!"

She ignored me and continued. "And now I'll have to tell Vernon you were here, because Dudley will be babbling about 'Harry' and 'Lily.'"

"Well, why did you let me stay then?"

Petunia glared at me. "I don't know. Must have had a momentary brain snap."

I scowled back at her. "Well, we'll be on our way then, before Dudley starts pulling rabbits out of hats." I turned on my heel and marched into the living room. No one else could make me as angry as what my sister could.

As I entered the living room I halted, bemused by what I saw. Harry had found a broom somewhere and was straddling it. He repeatedly squatted and then straightened, a frustrated look on his face as he tried to make it take off. "Boom, boom!" he exclaimed.

"Oh, um… that's not your broom Harry. That one doesn't work." I hurried over and grabbed his hand, disentangling him from the broom. "Leave it Harry, we're going now." I hurried past Petunia, pulling a howling Harry along with me. If I wasn't so mortified I would have burst into laughter at the horrified expression on her face. We sped out the front door, and lacking a better plan I started to walk up the street.

* * *

After walking for about twenty minutes we arrived at a smattering of shops. I'd picked the busier-looking street at each main intersection, and was pleasantly warm after our walk. Harry had calmed down, and I'd carried him most of the way. I was sorely tempted to transfigure a pram or even cast a lightweight charm on him, but I didn't want to risk being caught with my wand out, what with all the muggles driving or walking past. We walked a little further and I was pleased to spy a pawnshop. A little bell tingled as we entered the dingy interior. A greying man peered at us from the counter. "Can I help you?" he enquired.

"Ah yes. My erm, great-uncle passed, and we found these amongst his possessions." I spread a handful of gold galleons on the counter. "He was a sailor – he travelled all over and must have brought these back." We haggled for a short time, until I left the shop with just under £120.

We next went to a small corner shop to stock up on essentials such as nappies and snacks, before following the kindly storekeeper's directions to a little Bed and Breakfast. With relief I deposited my load and sprawled out on the bed. Freedom! I couldn't believe it – I'd walked all over, been to two different shops, and no one knew who I was! No pointing after us, no whispers, no photos! It was glorious.

I thought back on my morning. Petunia's tragedy had really put everything into perspective for me. I didn't know what I would do if I lost my baby. Tears sprung to my eyes. I had a lot to be thankful for really. I started to plan out the rest of our day. I'd walked past a café close by – we might go out for lunch. I was a bit sick of walking, so after that we might go and see a movie – so many possibilities! I might stay a muggle for a while longer – it certainly had some advantages.


	13. Diagon Alley

With a 'pop' Remus apparated into the middle of our room at the Tutella Inn.

I smiled warmly at him. "Thanks so much for coming to watch Harry – really appreciate it."

"No trouble at all Lils. More than happy to help anytime – you know that."

"I'm not sure how long this will take," I warned him. "Are you sure you're free all day?"

Remus snorted. "Well, you know my schedule is pretty full, being an unemployed bachelor – but I think I can spare a day."

I smiled wryly. "Sorry, point taken. So no luck on the job front?"

Remus rubbed his face in frustration. "Same old story. No one in the magical world will hire a werewolf. And jobs in the muggle world are that scarce – no one looks kindly at you when you take sick days every month."

I frowned thoughtfully. "So what you need is to work for yourself…or find a job where you can work from home." I continued, thinking out loud, "You're best at defence… and really good at transfiguration too…"

Remus interrupted me. "Lily – you don't need to fix all my problems, okay? I'm working on it – don't worry."

I half-smiled, embarrassed. "I know… I just wish I could help. You know the offer for a loan is always there…"

"Lily!"

"Alright, alright, sorry. So, what are you two going to get up to today?" I asked, changing the subject.

Remus shrugged. "Just go for a walk to start with, see what's about. I wouldn't mind having a look in a museum if there's one nearby."

I fished out a map and showed him where I thought one was, and then handed over a small wad of notes. Remus baulked at the money.

"For god's sake Remus – do you have muggle money? No? Well how are you going to buy lunch for you both, or get into the museum? Just take it."

He pocketed the money, grumbling, but once he'd greeted Harry and we were all ready to set off he was in a better mood. I'd changed my appearance in the room, giving myself brown hair, brown eyes, and a flatter nose. Remus let Harry ride on his shoulders while I pushed the pram down to the bus stop at the end of the street. We'd timed it perfectly – a bus was just rounding the corner. I handed the pram over and said goodbye to them both.

"Be good Harry! See you later Remus. Sirius gave you his mirror, yeah? Call me if anything happens. Have fun!"

Harry and I had been living as muggles for two weeks now, still at the same B&B. I was revelling in the anonymity that we had in the muggle world. I'd been to real estate shops to try and secure a rental, but without a job or references I'd had no luck. I'd given it a lot of thought and had come to the decision that I'd just buy a small house. There should be more than enough money in the Gringotts account, and housing prices in the muggle world were affordable thanks to the depression. I was sure James would be happy with his family money being spent on a safe space for us.

Standing up on the bus I cursed under my breath when I missed my stop. I got off and retraced the street down a couple of blocks to the underground station. Ticket purchased, I double-checked which stop I had to get off at. I joined the crowd of people in suits as they crammed into the train on their way to work. This time I managed to get off at the correct stop and let the crowd of people take me up the stairs and out onto Charing Cross Road. I paused for a moment to get my bearings, and then made a beeline for the Leaky Cauldron. It would have been easier of course to get the Knight Bus again, but it really was only supposed to be used for emergencies or when the person had no other way to get somewhere. I couldn't wait until I had this baby and could apparate again. What I really needed now though with my new muggle lifestyle was a car licence.

Just like last time the Leaky Cauldron was mostly empty. I nodded politely to the barman as I made my way through to the courtyard. I used my wand to tap out the pattern on the bricks and Diagon Alley opened before me. No matter how many times I saw it, it never got old. The overt magic all around actually felt a bit strange after living as a muggle for a while. It nearly felt like I was eleven again, trying to take in everything at once; all the strange smells and the cacophony of bizarre sounds; robed men and women often with an owl perched casually on their shoulder; brightly coloured storefronts selling exotic-sounding goods. It really was a different world. I joined the bustle and began to walk. My first stop was Gringotts. I was low on galleons as well as muggle money, and I needed to sort out getting money from the vault exchanged into pounds and transferred into my muggle bank account. I was sure it could be done.

After what felt like hours I emerged from the bank. As I had thought, the transfer was doable, but the goblins had dragged their feet and complained every inch of the way. A sizable fee had expedited the process somewhat, but it would still be a number of weeks before the full amount I required would be available in my muggle account. My purse a little heavier with coins now, I mingled back in with the foot traffic moving along the street.

My next stop was at Flo's Tea House to grab a quick bite to eat. I sat at one of the small tables outside and people-watched while I devoured my quiche and salad. There were a number of witches lugging around small children while they did their shopping. I wondered how Remus and Harry were getting on. My hand twitched towards the two-way mirror in my pocket. Maybe I'd quickly see what they were up to. No, I told myself firmly. Remus might think I was checking up on him. If there were any issues he would mirror-call me.

My mind wandered again to ponder Remus's job issue. Our schooling qualifications were only meaningful in the wizarding world, and the fact that no one in the wizarding world would employ a werewolf severely limited his options. His longest recent job stint had been as a muggle security guard, where his height and scarred face worked in his favour. However when he'd had to call in sick for two weekends out of four it was the end of that job. The wizarding world's attitude to werewolves was so frustrating! It was only one night a month they were dangerous to others; the rest of the time they were just people like anyone else. I knew there was work being done on some sort of cure - something to render the wolf harmless at the full moon. Spells had proved useless I knew, but there was some promise in the realm of potions. I had been good at potions at school… I wonder… The sudden clinking of plates startled me back into the present.

"Can I get you anything else dear?" the shopkeeper – Flo I presumed - asked.

"No, that's all thanks. It was really nice." I gave her a quick smile and gathered up my purse.

Another thing I wished to accomplish this trip was the purchase of an owl. I wanted to keep in touch with the few friends that I had, and it was annoying to have to wait for them to send me an owl first before I could send anything via return owl. I made my way down the street to Eeylop's Owl Emporium and pushed open the door. To my relief, the busy street noises faded away as the door swung shut behind me. Inside the light was dimmed, and there were soft, muffled sounds as the owls settled themselves and curious muted clicks and whistles that the different breeds made. The storekeeper left me alone as I looked around. I'd always sort of felt that choosing an owl was a little bit like choosing a wand – the owl chooses the wizard, or witch in this case. I came to a stop in front of a striking looking grey owl. We watched each other for a while and the storekeeper walked over to us.

"Made your choice?"

"I think so. What do you know about this one?"

"She's a Great Grey Owl. Quite young still – only about a year old. One of the largest owl breeds, so a good choice if you're sending larger packages. They have a long lifespan too – the magical ones can live well into their forties."

"She'll meet me at home if I tell her the address, yes?"

"Of course. She passed all her training with flying colours."

"I'll take her."

Outside again, I scrutinised my new owl.

"What do you think of the name Juno?" I asked her.

Her yellow eyes looked at me and she made a quiet 'hoo-hoo' sound. I smiled. "Juno it is." I told her the address of the inn and watched as she took off and disappeared into the distance. I started to make my way back to the alley entrance; I still had a few things to do in the muggle world before I headed home. Just before the entrance a street crier tried to sell me a newspaper. I was a bit embarrassed by how harshly I brushed him off. He didn't write this rubbish, I reminded myself. I knew the war was the real reason – in the height of it there was so much to report on, from death eater movements and trials to disappearances and obituaries, that a large number of reporters were in full employ. Now that the war was over it seemed they were just clutching at straws, even making things up in order to get a story. I hoped it wouldn't be long before they all moved on and found something better to do with their time.

Back out in muggle London, I found a post office and paid for my provisional drivers licence. Next I picked up some muggle papers and listings for houses for sale. I grabbed some groceries while I had the chance as well. As I went to make my way back to the underground entrance a taxi happened to pull in just front of me to drop a passenger off. Screw it, I thought. The last thing I felt like was spending an hour on public transport with all my bags. My feet were killing me and I needed the loo. Besides, I had more money now. I didn't hesitate to climb in. I looked out the window and watched the traffic flash by. There was so much I wanted to do. First I needed to find a house and get it all furnished. I wanted to get a car and pass my drivers test. I wanted to get all my old books and start looking into a cure for lyncanthropy. Not to mention my promise to Alice and Frank that I would find a way to fix their condition too. A bit too ambitious perhaps? I clenched my jaw – I would give it my best shot anyway.


	14. March 27th

My heart was thudding in my chest and I could hear my breath as ragged gasps. This was it – there was no escape. I was immobilised by my panic. I could hear Harry screaming for me but I couldn't get to him. Suddenly all around there was a flash of sickly green light and Harry's screams were cut off… I gasped and jolted awake. Just a dream, I told myself, trying to get my breathing back under control. My whole body was slick with cold sweat. There was a sudden fluttering sensation from my stomach.

"Sorry baby," I murmured. I sighed and rolled over to grab my wand from the bedside table. " _Lumos_." Squinting my eyes against the bright light I read the time on my watch – 3am, great. I picked up my book. Maybe if I read for a while I'd be able to get back to sleep for a few hours. It sometimes worked. After my third attempt at reading the same paragraph I threw my book to the side in frustration. It was no use. It didn't help that today was the 27th of March. I'd been dreading this day for weeks. Today James would have been twenty-two. There were so many things we were planning to do together… how naïve to think we had our whole lives ahead of us. I cast a silencing spell on my covers and drew them over me, and only then did I let myself have a proper cry.

I jerked awake again at the feeling of something tugging on my hand. Blearily I pushed the sheet off my face.

"MUUUUUUUM!" screamed Harry.

"Oh Harry, I'm here, it's ok." I picked him up and held him close. "Shhh Harry, it's ok. Mum's ok." I glanced through the window and saw from the faint glow that it was only just dawn. "Did you have a nightmare too Harry?" I finally managed to calm him down and got us both dressed. It would be no use trying to get back to sleep now. I picked out a pretty light blue dress embroidered with a delicate flower pattern around the waist. It wasn't quite my style and the weather was probably still a little cool for it, but I knew James had liked to see me wear it.

My only plan for the day was to drive the car out to Godric's Hollow and go to the cemetery. I'd bought a little Astra and had passed my test just last week. It hadn't been too hard – my dad had given me lessons the summer holidays after I turned seventeen and I'd paid for some lessons to refresh myself. My eyes burned with tears again as I remembered all those funny moments in the car with dad. Damn it, I was an emotional wreck today.

I managed to make myself a flask of coffee for the road while coaxing Harry to eat some yogurt. He was having what I thought of now as a 'Dudley morning.' More yogurt seemed to end up on the floor than in his mouth. My own appetite was non-existent. After a minor toddler tantrum I got the car all packed up and Harry strapped into the backseat. It was still early morning as we made our way out to the country. I was really pleased with the house I'd managed to buy. It was a cute little cottage, located in a suburb with wide, tree-lined streets just on the outskirts of Greater London. It had a decent sized backyard, but the best thing was that the back gate opened up onto a park. The three bedrooms were all on the small side, but it had a cozy feel to it. The neighbourhood seemed very kid-friendly as well. It was actually a bit closer to the Dursleys than I would have liked but at least we were out of Little Whinging. I eyed the new subdivisions as I drove past and shuddered; I would hate living somewhere like that where every house looked exactly the same.

I turned on the radio and sung softly to the songs I knew. Harry watched the passing countryside avidly, occasionally exclaiming things like 'cow!' My grip on the steering wheel tightened as we drew close to Godric's Hollow. I purposefully avoided driving down our old street, and came to a stop in front of the church. The sun was a lot higher in the sky now, and it was a truly beautiful spring morning. As I started to walk slowly up to the big elder tree I noted all the flowers growing everywhere. Harry was already starting to pick some. I'd talked to him the night before about how we would come back out here and take some flowers to dad. He kept checking with me.

"This one mum? This one? Dada like this?"

"Good work Harry. Dada will love those." He smiled, pleased with himself.

Finally we reached James's grave and I let out the breath I hadn't realised I'd been holding.

I stared at the gravestone for a while, reading the dates and inscription over and over until my eyes were too blurry to see the words. I clenched my hands; I hated falling apart in front of Harry. I crouched down beside him and together we laid the bouquet of spring flowers onto the gravestone. I reached over and ruffled Harry's hair like James used to do.

"Dada loves you so much Harry. Never forget that."

Harry toddled a few metres away, clumsily trying to follow a butterfly. I stayed crouched beside the gravestone. The longer I sat there, thinking about all the things that I wanted to talk to James about, the angrier I started to feel. Voldemort and his followers had so much to answer for. So many lives ended as a direct result of the war. And not just any lives – predominantly young lives; kids barely out of school. People like James in graveyards all over the country that never got to properly start living their lives. Not to mention all the families torn apart as a result – all the single parents, all the orphans, even entire families that had been wiped out.

I just couldn't understand how Voldemort had become so powerful in the first place. It was sickening to think that so many people in the wizarding community had these blood purist ideologies. Or they didn't have the same beliefs but joined in anyway because they were too scared of what would happen if they fought back. Surely it would be better to die, than to live with the knowledge that your actions had caused the death of your friends? It was one thing to fight extremist purebloods, but another thing when it turned out they were joined by one of your year mates; a kid you'd sat at the same table for every meal for seven years with. Someone who you'd considered a friend, someone whose name had even been brought up when godparents for your kid were being considered! By this point I'd picked up a stick lying on the ground and was stabbing it repeatedly into the soft dirt. My eyes burned with angry tears.

From the bottom of the hill two soft pops sounded. I glanced around and saw that Remus and Sirius had just apparated into the cemetery. They were making their way slowly up the hill just like I had, carrying flowers. Remus was also carrying something that looked suspiciously like fireworks and Sirius had a bottle of Firewhiskey.

Harry spotted the two men.

"Paddy, Moony!" he called happily.

Sirius ran up the hill to swing him up in a hug.

"Little Prongs! I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been little mate?"

Remus joined them. "Heya Harry, so good to see you here."

They all made their way over to the gravestone and stood quietly around me.

A large hand squeezed my shoulder.

"Hey Lils," murmured Sirius. "Hard day today. You doing alright?" I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.

Sirius laid his flowers on the grave. "Happy birthday brother." His voice cracked as he continued. "Wish you were here."

Remus crouched down to lay his flowers and closed his eyes for a short time before standing back up again. I got to my feet as well and embraced both men, all of us doing a poor job at holding our emotions in. I nodded at the extra supplies they'd brought with them. "What are you planning to do with all that?" I asked shakily.

Sirius shrugged. "Thought we'd have a birthday toast, and let off one of Prong's special fireworks for old times sake."

"Good. James would like that." I hesitated for a moment. "And how's work? Any progress?"

Sirius scowled. "No. Every lead had gone cold. If nothing new comes to light soon then my boss says he's going to file the Pettigrew case and put me on another one."

"No! He can't do that!"

"Believe me I've tried Lily. I've fought it, but it's like talking to a brick wall." Sirius looked utterly exhausted and defeated.

"But he's a murderer! They can't just give up! They can't let someone like that just roam around where they please!" I could feel myself getting a little hysterical but I couldn't stop it. "This is unacceptable! They should be putting more people on the case, not taking people off!

Remus broke in. "Calm down Lily, they're…"

"Calm down! Have you forgotten he's a death eater? What if he decides to finish the job? Harry will never be safe!" A sudden shooting pain in my abdomen caused me to cry out and double over.

"Lily? Are you ok?" Both boys were suddenly all around me, holding me up. Another shoot of pain stabbed through me. What was happening? Was I losing the baby?

Sirius looked aghast. "Lily, you're bleeding." He turned to Remus. "We need to get her to St Mungo's right away."

Remus's eyes were wide. "She's not supposed to apparate. Illegal portkey?"

"But is a portkey safe enough though if she's…?"

"Well what other option do we have? It's not like either of us can drive the car."

Their bickering was interrupted by the unmistakable pop of someone apparating nearby. To my surprise it was Minervra McGonagall. She had clearly come to pay her respects to James, but now she was striding up the hill with a worried expression on her face. She had evidently summed up the situation by the time she reached us.

Drawing her wand, a silver patronus in the shape of a spectacled cat appeared in front of her. "Poppy, your urgent assistance is required in the cemetery at Godric's Hollow." The cat immediately streaked off.

"Madam Pomfrey won't be long. Now, sit down dear, that's the way. Deep breaths."

I'd only just sat down when Madam Pomfrey arrived. I calmed down a little as she cast spells in a business-like way, her expression never shifting. "Well," she began, after a couple of tense minutes, "the baby is distressed, but alive." I nearly sobbed with relief. Poppy continued, "However we must get you to St Mungo's right away. I've stopped the bleeding, so it should be safe enough to get a portkey there. Minervra, if you could call ahead to make sure they're expecting us?"

"Of course." The silver tabby was already materialising again.

"And maybe it would be best if someone takes Harry home?" Madam Pomfrey looked around at Remus and Sirius.

McGonagall cut in, her patronus already on it's way. "I'm more than happy to watch Harry if you both wanted to go to the hospital. I only live a few streets away in Hogsmeade after all."

"Oh," I replied. "That's very kind, but Harry and I don't actually live in Hogsemeade anymore."

"I live there though," cut in Sirius. "I can easily pick him up later and take him home."

"Okay," I agreed. I gritted my teeth as another cramp clutched my body. There was a rush of activity all around as everyone looked for something that would make a suitable portkey. Sirius and Remus took an arm each and helped me to my feet. Just before Sirius grabbed the portkey I looked over at Harry, where he was watching me with a worried expression from McGonagall's arms.

"It's ok Harry, be good. I…"


	15. April

April

"So I'm a shit mum because I don't want to move back in with you, is that what you're saying?"

Sirius whirled around. "Of course not! I was only saying there are a lot of reasons why it makes sense!"

I moved to interrupt him again but Sirius caught hold of my arm. "Lily, hear me out. You're seven months pregnant. The healer said you must rest as much as possible, and you have an energetic nearly two-year-old son." I scowled, pulling my arm away.

Sirius continued. "It worked didn't it – living with me? I can help with Harry; I can do the shopping and housework. My place is hooked up to the Floo, so it's easy for someone else to come lend a hand if I'm at work. And McGonagall is literally around the corner – can't get a better babysitter than that! Remember how good she was looking after Harry these last couple of days? And her little niece and nephew loved him."

He paused and I took my chance to reply. "Okay, some good points. Now – don't you remember why I left? I think living with you when there are still rumours flying around that you're the father to my child is asking for trouble." I glared at him, seeing that he was bursting to butt in.

"Sirius, I hate being a celebrity in the wizarding world. I can not stand the idea of being cooped up inside for the next two months. I have my own home now! And it has a garden! Not just some pots on a windowsill. I'm sorry, but I'm not giving all of that up."

"But I'm worried about you Lily! How are you supposed to rest running around after a toddler? I'm not saying move back in with me forever, I'm saying it might be best just until you have the baby. Two months isn't that long. What do you say Lils?"

I jutted out my chin and crossed my arms, thinking hard. "Why do I have to move? There's enough room at my house for someone to stay with me. I know you wouldn't like to live as a muggle, but maybe Remus would? The wizarding world hasn't been very kind to him either." My face brightened. "I think that might actually work! I'm going to owl Remus right now, see what he reckons."

* * *

Remus staggered out of the bathroom groaning. "Urgh, Lily you're going to be the death of me. Please tell me you have some sort of antidote?"

I frowned, frustrated with myself. "Dammit – the armadillo bile must have reacted with the asphodel." I searched quickly through my potions store. "Here – drink this."

Remus accepted the flask and took a cautious sip. He paused for a moment and then grimaced, downing the rest of the liquid. I bit my lip as I watched him. He hadn't said a word when he'd apparated back from his cottage earlier, instead going straight into the bathroom. He still looked pale and clammy.

I left him to rest on my couch while I fixed a steak burger for his lunch. He always craved red meat just after the full moon.

"I'm really sorry about that Remus. Here – do you feel up to eating?"

Remus reached eagerly for the plate. "Thanks Lils! S'ok, I feel heaps better now." I watched as he wolfed down his food.

"Do you think it helped at all though? Did you feel any more…you?"

"Nope, don't think so." He glanced over at me. "Sorry. Honestly I just felt sick the whole transformation." He took another giant bite and swallowed before continuing. "Padfoot thought it was hilarious. I guess usually I'm stalking prey or something, not eating grass and spewing behind a tree." He shrugged, "I guess one good thing was that I didn't really injure myself. But please Lily – don't try that one on me again!"

I grinned. "I promise! I really am sorry Remus!"

After lunch we all had a little nanna nap, and then Remus took Harry out to the park for a play. I was glad to see the colour had returned to his face, and he seemed to be nearly back to his normal self.

I sat down at my desk and made some notes on the failed potion in my journal. I sighed – I guess it was only my first attempt. I thumbed through my well-worn copy of Advanced Potion Making. Was there another ingredient I could add in to prevent the nausea, or was I on the wrong track completely? The idea had been to sharpen the human part of the brain, hence my experiment with modifying the Wit-Sharpening potion.

Did I need something stronger? Should I focus instead on the antidote to Drought of the Living Death – the Wideye potion? I'd need aconite for that though. I was hesitant to obtain some because apart from being really expensive, it was also very poisonous and I'd be constantly worried about Harry somehow getting hold of some.

I bet Severus would be able to tell me if I was on the right track. I glanced over at Juno, who was asleep on her perch with her head tucked under her wing. There was no way I'd ever actually owl him though. I had been horrified to learn that he was the new potions master at Hogwarts. I couldn't believe that Dumbledore would trust him. Or maybe keeping him right under his nose actually meant that he didn't fully trust him – that would make more sense.

I was distracted by a sharp kick below my ribs. This baby was definitely a little fighter. It kicked me again, and I pressed my hand to my swollen stomach. Sirius was sure it would be another boy, but I had a feeling it was a girl. The three of us had been starting to throw around some name ideas. I'd commented that 'James Sirius Remus Potter' didn't quite flow off the tongue nicely, but that had fallen on deaf ears. Their other grand idea of using their middle names to make it 'Charlus John Orion Potter' was only marginally better.

I closed my journal and looked around at the notes and textbooks littering my desk. Most of the textbooks were actually muggle ones, as I had decided I'd try and get my GCE qualification. I really wanted to continue living in the muggle world for now, and to do that I'd need a job. It made sense to work at getting into nursing school, as that was essentially the muggle version of a healer, which was what I'd been studying before I stopped to work full time for the Order. Pharmacy wouldn't be too bad either I mused. I pushed the books away and heaved myself to my feet – I'd study after Harry had gone to sleep.

I walked slowly outside, down the rock path to the little wooden gate that opened onto the park at the back of the garden. I'd already set Remus to work getting the weeds out of the old garden beds. I couldn't wait to get a veggie patch started. I thought I might also try planting a little rose garden along the back fence. Mum used to have a beautiful rose garden.

As I entered the park I could see Remus pushing Harry on the swing. I settled myself on a nearby park bench to watch. Harry eventually tired of the swing and turned his attention to digging in the sand instead. Remus helped him build a 'castle' for a short time, before coming over to sit beside me.

"How's little Charlus?" he asked jokingly.

I rolled my eyes. "Good – I think _she_ was trying to do a summersault just before."

Remus grinned. "So, did you still want to set up the cot tonight?"

"You mean you set up the cot while I make sure you don't mess it up? Sure."

"Pfft, I'll have it set up in no time. Piece of cake."

"You reckon? That flat-pack desk had you stumped for a while."

"The holes were drilled in the wrong spot," he grumbled.

"Oh – baby's kicking again!" I indicated the area on my stomach. "Just here."

Remus tentatively touched my stomach. "Oh wow – I felt that!"

I glanced over to check on Harry and gasped. He had somehow managed to climb up to the top of the jungle gym and was precariously peering over the edge. "No Harry! Remus, quick!"

Remus was already up and running. I struggled to heave myself off the bench.

I watched with horror as Harry fell off the high platform while Remus was still a good few metres away.

Just when he should have smacked into the ground it was as if he landed on a big invisible cushion. Remus pulled up short and we both stared in astonishment. Harry looked around wide-eyed at us both and then his face split into a wide grin. "Again!" he cried.


	16. Labour

May 9th

I was following a jam trail. I had found the source – an open jar on the floor of the pantry, and there were sticky red smears leading all the way out of the kitchen. I followed the trail down the hall, skirting the occasional glob. The door to Harry's room was slightly ajar. The culprit was sitting on the floor, greedily licking strawberry jam off his grubby hands and smearing it into his face and hair in the process. The cat was reaching up to lick the stains that had reached down his arms.

"Harry James Potter!"

The perpetrator started violently – it was nearly comical how he whirled around and looked at me guiltily.

"Look at this mess! Naughty! You're going straight in the bath mister!"

This was just what I needed today. I briskly stripped Harry off, started running the bath and banished Tufty to the laundry room. The clean-up in the kitchen would have to wait for now. I couldn't be sure whether the jar had been knocked off the counter by the cat or Harry using inadvertent magic. There was a fair chance it was Harry – we'd had jam and bread for afternoon tea and he'd thrown a little tantrum when I said he'd had enough and put everything away. I couldn't help letting out a groan as I squatted down beside the tub. My back had been aching all day and I knew it would be a real struggle to stand back up again.

Normally Remus was in charge of all the toddler wrangling, but of course today was the one day of every month that he was away. I knew he would have had a rough time of it too – Sirius was away on some assignment so Remus would have spent the full moon alone. Usually he was back by now, but I didn't blame him for taking his time. If I was feeling tender after the full moon and knew I was coming back to a house where a feral toddler lived I wouldn't be in any rush either.

I scrubbed Harry quickly, making sure all the jam was out of his hair. Once I was done, I used the wall beside the tub to help haul myself to my feet. As I did so, the pain in my lower back flared. I straightened up and it felt like there was a release of pressure, and then suddenly there was warm fluid running down my legs. Bizarrely the first thought that flashed through my mind was 'oh well, at least my waters broke in the bathroom – that's much easier to clean.' As it dawned on me that my waters really had broken I started to panic. I was only at 33 weeks; it was too early for this! I fished my wand out of my pocket and used it to siphon up most of the mess. I tried to keep my expression neutral as I lifted Harry out of the bath and dried him off.

Ok, this was bad. I knew from my pregnancy books that at 33 weeks the baby would look nearly like a full term baby, but its lungs wouldn't be developed properly so it might not be able to breathe on its own. I needed to let my midwife at St Mungo's know. I'd been given a ring that I wore on my left hand for this purpose. I tapped it with my wand and murmured ' _Obstetrix Requiratur_.' The ring flared with warmth for a second and I knew the charm had worked. The gem corresponding with my name would have lit up on the magical switchboard at St Mungo's.

It was times like this I hated how medieval the magical world still was. Most witches had home births with usually the matriarch of the family assisting. We were discouraged from going to a muggle hospital due to the high chance of accidental magic occurring, and St Mungo's just wasn't set up for witches in labour.

Now, what next? There was a spasm through my lower back again and my stomach cramped. It dawned on me that the discomfort I'd been in all morning had actually been early labour. How ridiculous – you'd think surely you'd know when you're in labour, especially if you'd been through it before. I started to walk back to Harry's room to get him some clean clothes. Small gushes of fluid kept running down my legs every time I took a step. Harry now dressed, I shuffled into the kitchen and cleaned up the remnants of jam everywhere. I felt bad bothering Remus but I knew I needed him here. Someone had to watch Harry while I was in labour. I scrawled a quick note and tied it to Juno's leg. Just as she flew out the window I heard someone apparate at the back door.

"Come in," I called, gesturing with my wand to unlock the door as I spoke. I was expecting my regular midwife Jane to walk in, so I was surprised to see my friend Abby in the doorway.

"Abby! Why are you here? I mean, it's good to see you, but where's Jane?"

"I know, I know. She's actually on holidays with her family in Australia, can you believe it!"

"Oh, I think I remember her mentioning that."

"Yeah, she'll get back in a couple of days. She thought it would be fine as the baby isn't due for 6 weeks, but looks like it's got other ideas!"

"Abby, my waters have broken and I've been having small contractions all morning. It's too soon isn't it? Is the baby going to be ok?"

"Relax Lily. Healthy babies are born at this stage of development every day." She gave me a reassuring smile. "And I know my stuff. You'll be fine."

She quickly switched into business mode. "Now, sit down here and I'll see how far along you are. Are you the only one home?"

"It's just me and Harry. Remus is at his place – I'd just owled him when you arrived."

"Ok, that's fine." She looked past me to where Harry was peeking shyly around the doorway. "Hello there Harry. I'm here to help your mum." She turned to me again. "Are there any towels or sheets or anything where he can reach them?"

I nodded. "Yes, in the bathroom."

Abby smiled kindly at Harry again. "Harry, do you think you could fetch me some towels from the bathroom please?"

"The blue ones near the sink," I added. "The ones mum uses at bath time. Can you get them Harry?" He nodded and disappeared down the hallway.

"Right," said Abby, snapping on a glove. "I need to check your cervix."

I looked up at the ceiling, trying to push what was happening out of my mind.

"Oh good," exclaimed Abby from between my legs. "You're already at three centimetres dilated. Everything seems to be progressing nicely." She waved her wand and numerals appeared in the air beside me. I realised it was a timer. "I need you to keep an eye on how often you're having contractions, ok?"

I nodded, and then grimaced as another strong cramp ran through my body.

"Good. I'm going to put the kettle on. Want a cuppa?"

I felt a lot calmer with Abby taking charge of the situation. She seemed to be completely unconcerned that the baby was preterm, so I was starting to calm down a little.

I lost track of the time as the contractions gradually became more intense, and started to come in a predictable rhythm. I couldn't help crying out now when they happened and Harry was starting to get a little distressed. Even his broom wasn't working as a distraction anymore.

Finally there was a noise at the door and Remus burst into the room. He was wide eyed and dishevelled, and there was blood oozing from a nasty deep-looking cut running down the side of his face.

"Lily! Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I was asleep and the owl was tapping on my window, and I could hear the tapping but I thought it was coming from my dream… I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep! I meant to come home at lunch like usual but I was just so tired… Are you ok though Lily? It's too early isn't it? Is the baby…"

"Remus, shut up," interrupted Abby. Remus stopped and gaped at her.

"Everything is under control," Abby continued. "Yes, it's early, but the baby should be fine. The labour is progressing well; Lily is currently at six centimetres dilated, so probably at least another couple of hours to go."

"Oh ok then, that's good," said Remus weakly, trying to catch his breath.

Abby tutted as a drop of blood from the cut on his face dripped onto his shirt. "Why didn't you heal that? It's going to scar if it's not cleaned and closed properly. Hold still."

Remus tried not to wince as she scoured the wound with magic and cast a spell to start knitting the skin back together.

"Much better," she said, stepping back to admire her handiwork. "Now, it would be very helpful if you could fix poor Harry here some supper – can you do that for us?"

"Oh, y-yes, of course," stammered Remus, gathering Harry up into his arms and making his way into the kitchen.

I was vaguely aware of Remus popping back in to say he was putting Harry to bed. I was exhausted now but the contractions kept ripping through me, building in intensity. Abby had given me a potion that was supposed to dull the pain but I had vomited it up a short time afterwards. I wished James were here. I felt scared and alone. He was so good when I was going through Harry's birth. I remembered him being there the whole time and holding my hand, telling me how strong I was.

Remus shyly ducked back in again, bringing water and a damp cloth to put on my forehead. Abby sent him away to fetch a bucket of hot water. Abby was telling me something but I wasn't listening. I felt like I was going to pass out. Suddenly she was at my ear, telling me that it was time to push.

"I can't," I moaned. I was too tired; it hurt too much.

"Yes you can," she urged. "Don't you want to meet your little baby?" She called out for Remus over her shoulder. He tentatively re-entered the room.

"Hold her hand," directed Abby. "She needs to push."

I had my eyes clenched tight. It felt like I was about to be ripped in half.

"I can't," I whimpered again.

"Yes you can," coaxed Remus.

"You try squeezing a quaffle out of something the size of a snitch," I gasped.

"Here, squeeze my hand as hard as you can. You're so strong Lily, you can do this. James would be so proud of you. Do it for James Lily."

I clutched at his hand with both of mine and screamed as I bore down. It felt like my nether regions were on fire.

Abby cried out excitedly, "I can see the head! One more push like that Lily!"

"You can do it Lily!" called Remus. "One more push!"

I was gripping Remus's hand so tightly I wouldn't be surprised if I broke one of the bones.

"Deep breath, here we go – one…two…three!"

I pushed with everything I had and felt relief wash over me as the baby finally emerged.

Suddenly I was scared all over again – what if it wasn't breathing?

Then I heard it – a weak little cry. I collapsed back onto the sofa, sobbing with relief.

Abby had her wand out. I assumed she was cleaning the baby off and severing the umbilical cord.

"A healthy baby girl!" she announced. She wrapped the baby up and gently passed her up to me. "She's beautiful Lily, you did good."

My breath caught as I gazed into the face of my daughter for the first time. She had been crying but quietened as I settled her on my chest.

"Hello baby," I whispered. I stroked the soft wisps of brown hair on her head. She had her face tucked into my chest, fussing a little, but then all of a sudden she looked up at me and opened her eyes. I smiled widely through the happy tears pouring down my face. "Welcome to the world little one."

Remus rested an arm on my shoulder and I turned to smile at him. "Isn't she beautiful?"

"She is," Remus agreed. "And look at those eyes – do you call that hazel?"

Abby was peering over my other shoulder. "Yeah I think they are – like a mixture of green and brown. And look – they have little yellow flecks."

We were all peering down at her in wonderment while she gazed up at our faces.

I glanced fondly at the two people sitting on either side of me. "Hey Remus, Abby?"

"Yeah Lils?"

"Would you, I mean… do you think you'd both consider being her Godparents? It just seems appropriate – you helped bring her into the world so I just thought…"

"Oh wow Lily, of course I will!" replied Abby.

"Remus?"

"I…I'm honoured. Are you sure… with my condition and everything though…?"

"Remus, I wouldn't ask if I wasn't sure."

There were tears running down Remus's face. "Then I accept. Thank you Lily," he replied hoarsely.

"Sirius will be raging when he hears that he missed this," I said. A thought occurred to me. "Oh! Remus could you get James's two-way mirror? It's in the top drawer of my bedside table."

He raced to grab it while I gazed with wonder into my new daughter's face some more.

I reached eagerly for the mirror once he returned with it and called for Padfoot. We all waited impatiently and I was about to give up when the mirror activated and Sirius's face appeared.

"What? What's happened? You've been crying! But you look happy? What…?"

"Sirius. Just look." I angled the mirror down to face the baby. "She was a little impatient to meet us."

"She? Oh my god, look at her! Congratulations! This is amazing! A baby girl!" A loud whooping sound emanated from the mirror and we all laughed. Sirius's voice continued, "I can't believe I missed it though! I wasn't there! James would never forgive me for this."

I faced the mirror back towards me. "Sirius, don't be ridiculous. Obviously James would understand. Besides, I had plenty of help." I smiled over my shoulder at Abby and Remus. "I wish you were here too, but you'll be back soon enough."

Sirius was wiping his eyes. "I miss you all so much! Give her a kiss from me. I might be back in as little as two days, fingers crossed."

"I hope so, this little girl will be needing some Padfoot cuddles."

Sirius smiled. "I don't suppose she has a name yet?"

"Well," I said slowly, "there was a name that kept cropping up when James and I didn't know if Harry would be a boy or a girl. And the agreement always was that if it was a girl the middle name would be from my side of the family. So I think maybe I'll call her…"

* * *

 **A/N: I know, it's a bit mean leaving the name as a bit of a cliffhanger! I wonder if anyone will guess it?**  
 **I apologise for the long wait for a new update. Hope it was worth it! Only a few chapters to go now.**


	17. Christening

"Olivia Rosalie Potter, I baptise you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen."

"Amen," I murmured.

I looked down at the little baby in my arms. She was frowning at the sensation of water on her head but she wasn't crying as Harry had at his christening. The slightly too large Potter christening gown bunched up as she squirmed in my grasp, her tiny hands balled into fists. We were nearly at the end of the service. I'd chosen St Jerome's for the location as it felt like the closest I could get to James being present. If it wasn't for the sun streaming through the stained-glass window of the little church I might even have been able to see his gravestone.

I looked back up as the vicar lit a candle and passed it to Abby, who was standing on my left. Remus was standing on my other side, holding Harry. I gazed up at the cross above the altar. I felt a little awkward being inside the church. Although my sister and I had been raised in the Anglican faith, I hadn't been to church since I was a child. It was James who had insisted that Harry was christened, as every Potter in his family had been. The vicar – Octavia Kemp, had been understanding. She was younger than I'd expected – probably in her forties, and she'd said with a twinkle in her eye that she'd include 'only as much religion as necessary.' So there had been a prayer, a short reading, a blessing and a promise read by both Godparents.

I felt so much pressure to do what James would have wanted. I wondered what he would think of my choice of name. He would have been happy with Olivia – it was what we had thought of for Harry if he had been a girl. It wasn't a family name - we just liked the sound of it, the nicknames that went with it, and also its connotations with peace. Rosalie was to honour two of the most important women in my life – my mum Rose and my best friend Ali.

The vicar wrapped up the service and we all spilled out of the church to the neat patch of grass outside. We were a small, odd collection of people. Obviously Remus, Sirius and Abby were there, as were Mary MacDonald, Minervra McGonagall and Bathilda Bagshot. Augusta Longbottom was also present, holding Neville's hand as they made their way out of the church. I wished Petunia and I were on speaking terms. I'd written her a note after Olivia's birth, but hadn't received a reply. Not that I really expected one.

Today was July 31st – a Saturday, and Harry's birthday. I had arranged for us all to get a Portkey to my London house for a small birthday/christening celebration in the garden. I'd decided to combine the two celebrations as the same group of people would have been invited anyway and I didn't have the time or energy to organise two separate events.

Bathilda approached me and rested a gnarled old hand gently on top of mine.

"Lily dear. That was a lovely christening. Thank you for inviting me."

"Oh, I'm so glad. Thank you for coming. You did so much for James and I when we were in hiding. Will you be joining us for cake in the garden?"

"I thank you, but no dear. I'm a bit too old for travelling these days." She smiled crookedly, "have a slice for me though."

"I'll do one better – I'll send Juno with a piece for you."

The old woman patted my arm absently. "Very kind of you." She peered at Olivia, who I was still holding in my arms. "She doesn't have the red hair, but I'd still say she takes after your looks. She'll be a feisty one when she's older."

"Gosh I hope not. Harry's enough of a handful as it is."

The old lady chuckled and lifted her hand to wave farewell. I was watching her make her way up the street when Sirius appeared at my side.

"Hey Lil, it's nearly eleven. Shall I get the Portkey?"

I felt irrationally annoyed at the question. If it was nearly time for the Portkey to activate then go get the bloody Portkey, it wasn't hard. Did I have to decide everything?

"Yeah I guess so."

Sirius ducked away from the gathering and returned with the Portkey – an old rusted signpost. We all positioned ourselves along it, grasping it firmly. Sirius was looking at his watch. "Okay, fifteen seconds. Everyone ready?"

We all murmured assent and it wasn't long before I felt the unmistakable hook behind my navel and the church disappeared.

* * *

With a sudden jerk, we all arrived in my back garden. Both Olivia and Harry were crying. Neville was pale-faced, but quiet as he gripped his gran's hand.

"Are you right with Harry?" I asked Remus, who was still holding him.

"Of course," he answered, already getting his wand out to distract him. I felt guilty leaving my firstborn, but Olivia was really screaming. I walked quickly inside to my room and closed the door.

"Shhh Olly, it's ok. I know - I don't like Portkeys either." I popped a dummy in her mouth but she just spat it out. "Shhh baby," I crooned, rocking her in my arms. Still she screamed, her face screwed up and red. I put her in the rocker and pushed her. "It's ok Olly, it's ok. Shhh sweetheart." Why wouldn't she stop crying? Was it the Portkey? But she had been fine on the way there. I tried the dummy again, but again she spat it out. I started to unbutton my blouse. Maybe some milk would soothe her. I picked her up and tried to nurse but she wouldn't latch on. I'd been having trouble nursing at the best of times anyway. I'd spoken to a healer who had said it was because she was premature – apparently premmies often had more trouble nursing. I couldn't help feeling it was something I was doing wrong though.

There was a knock on my door and I heard Abby's voice.

"Lily? Can I help?"

"Please."

Abby's head appeared around the door, her wild blond curls just starting to escape from her hair band.

"Oh, poor baby!" She exclaimed. She crossed the room, arms outstretched.

I sighed and offered her up. "I can't get her to stop."

Abby gently scooped her up and held her level with her face.

"Hello Olivia," she cooed, with a big smile plastered on her face. "Hello baby. What's the matter?" She started to blow small raspberries on her tummy, and when that seemed to be working she placed small kisses all over her face.

"There we go, kiss it better! There's a good girl!" Abby exclaimed.

"You're so good with her," I said. "I can never get her to stop, and I can't even get her to nurse half the time, and I…" Suddenly tears were rolling down my face, and then I was the one crying uncontrollably.

"Oh Lily," Abby tried to jiggle Olivia with one arm while she put the other around my shoulders. "Lily, it's ok! You're doing fine, you hear me? I think you're amazing, truly. On your own with a newborn and a toddler – I couldn't do that."

"Thanks Abs." I grabbed a handful of tissues and tried unsuccessfully to stem the flow. "I'm sorry I'm such a mess."

"Don't apologise! I bet you're so sleep deprived. Anyone in your position would be a mess. Not that you are one!"

I tried to crack a smile. "I'm the definition of a mess. Look at me, I'm worse than the baby."

"You poor thing. Do you need a break? Remus and I can watch the kids tonight?"

"Oh no, I'm fine. Just tired like you said. Sirius will be over tomorrow so I'll catch up on sleep then. Thanks though." I took a few deep breaths, trying to pull myself together. "I'll just freshen up, won't be a minute."

Abby smiled. "Take your time. We can wait." I got up off the bed, stealing a quick look back at them both. Olivia had stopped crying completely and Abby looked peaceful as she gently rocked her. I couldn't stop the jealousy bubbling to the surface. She was _my_ daughter – why didn't I feel all blissful and content like that?

In the bathroom I turned on the tap and splashed cold water on my face. I looked in the mirror and grimaced – god, why did I have to be such an ugly crier? I took a few more deep breaths and splashed more water on my face before I finally went back to the bedroom.

"Sorry about that. I seem to cry at the drop of a hat lately."

Abby smiled kindly and passed Olivia back to me. "It's just baby blues – it'll pass."

"I hope so," I muttered as I followed her back out to the kitchen, where the women were organising all the food.

I managed to get Olivia settled in her little Moses Basket and kept myself busy in the kitchen. The guests seemed to be having an enjoyable time. I was glad that both Minervra and Augusta had decided to come, as it meant they had someone of a similar age to talk to. Harry and Neville were occupied playing 'potions' and busy imploring Abby and Mary to taste their pretend concoction. Sirius and Remus were standing apart from the others in the garden and from Remus's annoyed look it seemed Sirius was having a go at him about something. I took a bowl of chips around and stood with them to find out what it was all about. Apparently after the last full moon Remus had taken himself to St Mungo's for healing.

"Remus has a cru-ush," teased Sirius. "Remus and Abby, sitting in a tree…"

"Oh bugger off," snapped Remus, but his red face betrayed him and I raised my eyebrows while Sirius chuckled.

Finally everyone was assembled outside and it was time for the cake. I carried it carefully so as not to put out the two candles flickering on top. We all sang Happy Birthday and cheered as Harry and Neville blew out a candle each. The two toddlers opened their presents with much excitement. Harry received assorted toys and books. Remus, Sirius and I presented Neville with his birthday present, which was a broom just like Harry's.

"Oh Good Lord," exclaimed Augusta.

Sirius excitedly raced inside to fetch Harry's broom.

"Get the camera!" he shouted.

We all laughed at Sirius's excitement as he sprinted back and passed Harry his broom, who didn't hesitate to climb on. I raised the camera and took a few snaps of Harry while he grinned widely, zipping nimbly around the garden with his toes skimming the grass. Sirius held Neville's broom steady while he encouraged the uncertain toddler to swing his leg over.

"Go on Neville, you'll be right!"

The toddler gripped the broom and looked worried as he started to clamber on. He got a leg over and was on… and then promptly tumbled off the opposite side. We all tried not to laugh as Sirius pulled him to his feet and brushed him off.

"All right mate?"

Neville was biting his lip looking like he was trying not to cry, but he bravely nodded at Sirius.

"Do you want to have another go?"

There was a pause, and then another small nod.

"Good on you. Here – you can hold my hand while you get on."

I was holding my breath while Neville gripped the broom with his left hand and reached over to hold Sirius's hand with the other. He was on! Sirius walked slowly behind Neville applying gentle pressure to his back to propel him forward while he got used to the feel of the broom. It took a while, but eventually Neville worked out he could control his direction by leaning his body weight to one side, and Sirius stepped back to let him have a go on his own. It was jerky and slow, but eventually Neville managed a big circle around the garden all by himself.

"Whoo, go Neville!" I cheered.

Harry pulled his broom alongside and the two toddlers exchanged a look. Neville's face, which until now had been fixed in an expression of intense concentration, broke into a massive smile, and he laughed out loud. I smiled as I snapped photos of the boys flying alongside each other laughing. My heart ached – I wished Alice and Frank could see this. I turned the camera and snapped a photo of Augusta, who was watching on with an expression mixed between concern and pride.

"Little League Quidditch!" cried Sirius excitedly. "That's what we need!"

"Calm down Padfoot," drawled Remus. "They've literally just turned two."

The party started to wind down in the afternoon. The two boys were tired and cranky after their flying exertions and all the excitement of the day. Augusta was the first to leave, carrying Neville who was fighting to stay awake. Minervra left next, thanking me warmly for the invitation and remarking with a smile that she hoped Harry would end up on her house Quidditch team. The rest of the guests helped make quick work of the clean-up, and then Mary apparated home. Sirius smirked at Remus and waggled his eyebrows as he and Abby left together. Finally it was just Sirius and I.

"Sure you don't want me to stay?" asked Sirius

"No, I'm all good here. I know you've got things to do at home. Still coming around tomorrow though?"

"Yep, you betcha. Does three o'clock suit?"

"No worries, see you then."

"Sure you're all good? I couldn't help noticing you looked like you'd been crying earlier."

"Oh, that. I was just over-tired and Olivia kept crying. They'll sleep well after today though, so I should get some decent sleep too."

"Alright, if you're sure. Call if you need anything. G'night Lils."

"Night Padfoot."

Silence. It felt weird being in a quiet house again after it had been full of people. Harry had crashed out on the couch and looked comfy so I left him where he was. Olivia was asleep in her basket. I wandered absently around the house, putting the odd thing back where it was supposed to be.

The little voice in the back of my mind started up again; the voice that questioned why things weren't natural with Olivia as they had been with Harry. Was it just because she was a more difficult baby? Or was it because I was doing it all by myself this time around? Why did she cry so much? Was it something I was doing wrong and didn't realise? I could have screamed at how desperately I wished I could talk to my mum about it. Mum would have all the answers as usual. It had been three years now since they had died. A truck driver had fallen asleep at the wheel one night and that was it - Petunia and I were orphans. They didn't get to meet any of their grandchildren. I clenched my jaw, trying to control the overwhelming grief that was rising to the surface. A feeling of recklessness came over me and I went into the kitchen to fetch a wine glass out of the cupboard. _Screw it_ , I thought as I filled the glass to the brim with red wine, the bottle glugging as I poured. I just wanted to feel numb for a while.


	18. August 4th

**Content warning: post-natal depression and suicidal thoughts**

I was in my living room, curled up on the couch watching the news, still wearing my pyjamas. It seemed all the reporters wanted to talk about was the new Royal baby William's christening, which had been today. The curtains were pulled tight so the only light was coming from the grainy TV screen, and there was a stale, stuffy odour to the room. I yawned, rubbing at my eyes; I didn't think I'd slept at all last night. Reaching my arm out in a stretch I knocked the empty pizza box beside me onto the floor. I looked at it indifferently; too much effort to pick up. The program cut to an advertisement break. _I'll just rest my eyes for a minute_ …

* * *

The bell rang, and I sat back in my chair as Professor Flitwick summoned all our test papers with an efficient sweep of his wand. Sixth year was over! I felt so relieved and exhilarated to be done. It was so nice to finish with Charms as well – my best subject. The classroom was filled with excited chattering as everyone packed up their gear. Professor Flitwick's high voice was lost in the din as he wished us a happy and safe holiday. I hurriedly stuffed my quill in my bag and got to my feet, slinging it over my shoulder. Mary had been sitting at the desk behind me.

"How did you go Lily? Did you get the answer for that question about the limits of undetectable extension charms? I went completely blank…"

"Don't worry Mary, I'm sure you did fine. Anyway, nothing we can do about it now, no use worrying!"

I breezed out of the classroom calling out to Professor Flitwick, "Bye, sir! Have a good summer!"

I spotted Alice's neat dark braid from behind as I exited the room. "Ali!" I called, flinging my arms around her shoulders and dancing a little jig. "You're done! How does it feel?"

She turned around and grinned at me, grabbing my hand to keep my arm around her shoulders. "Pretty damn good, not gonna lie!"

"Did you smash Defence?"

"I've got a good feeling about it! About Defence anyway, Potions could have gone better." She pulled a face and then smiled wryly.

"Ah well, it's all done now Alice. You need an E for the Auror program, hey?"

"Yeah… but anyway, enough about exams – guess what?!"

"What?"

"Frank's asked me to move in with him!"

"What!" I squealed. "That's so exciting! I'm so happy for you!"

"Yeah I couldn't believe it! At first I thought he meant he wanted me to move into his parents' place…"

"Oh my god," I cut in. "His mum would probably make you sleep in separate bedrooms!"

"I know," laughed Alice. "But we're going to get a little place and make it our own. I'm so excited Lil!"

"I'm so excited for you! Have you told your parents yet?"

"Not yet. I think they'll be all good though. I've always said I'd move out as soon as I finished school."

"I'll miss you so much next term! It'll be so weird not having your year here."

"I'll miss you too Lil, you'll have to come round and visit all the time."

Our slow walk down the hall was halted as we arrived at the top of a staircase backed up with people. I craned my head to see what the hold-up was. I could see water lapping the bottom of the stairs and the whole corridor seemed to be flooded with water. Someone in front of me moved their head and I was able to get a clearer view. The Marauders had their board shorts on and were floating around on various objects. Remus was trying to look nonchalant as he lazed back on a classroom chair transfigured into a floating chaise lounge, with legs crossed reading a book.

"Oh hey guys," he drawled, looking up from the book, but just then Peter managed to aim a jet of water out of his wand far enough to hit the open pages. "Pete! You're going to pay for that!" He sat up and started paddling his chair over in mock anger.

"You made the pages water-resistant," protested Peter as he hurriedly backed away. James was observing all of this with an amused expression from what seemed to be his hat that had been massively enlarged and charmed to float. Sirius somehow had a Butterbeer in one hand and he gestured dramatically with the other as he addressed the crowd.

"Enjoy! We couldn't wait any longer for the summer holidays!" He tried to reposition himself on his floating stool and everyone laughed as he fell sideways into the water with a splash. He stood up spluttering and we all realised the water was only knee deep.

The people on the stairs began to take off their shoes and hike their robes up to make their way across. I heard someone exclaim, "Yeuch, there's a fish!"

I looked around and sure enough there were small silver fish flitting about. I shook my head; impressed at the difficulty of spell work and the effort the boys had gone to this time.

We all started wading through the flooded corridor, skirting Remus and Peter who were trying to tackle each other. All of a sudden James announced, "Water fight!"

"A send-off to the class of 1977!" added Sirius.

James flicked his wand, and water bubbles stashed inside the hat were launched into the air. It was soon apparent they were charmed to target the seventh years.

Alice shrieked beside me and ducked her head as the bubbles full of coloured water began to hit her, saturating her robes. She grabbed my hand and we splashed across to dry ground. One bubble missed her and smacked into me instead.

"Sorry about that Evans!" called James.

"I'll get you back for that!" I said, smiling. James looked surprised, and then returned my smile, his whole face lighting up.

* * *

The dream began to fade and I fought desperately to hold onto how I had felt then - full of anticipation for the future despite the looming war. I lay with my eyes closed, trying to remember what had happened next, trying to resume the memory, but it was no use. The reality of my life came flooding back. Here I was alone, hiding out in the Muggle world. I hadn't showered or done the dishes for a couple of days. Everything was in disarray. Remus and I had recently had a bit of a row and he'd gone back to his own place. He was just so bloody nice and helpful all the time. That made it sound like I was a horrible ungrateful person, which I guess I was, but there was only so long you could answer 'good thanks,' to a well meaning 'how are you?' and fake having everything together and being thrilled with motherhood.

The TV was still on. The newsreader was doing a summary for 'viewers that had just joined.' I'd forgotten that Princess Diana was a year younger than me. Apparently the baby prince had cried constantly the whole time photos were being taken and Diana had looked 'tense and withdrawn.' Well that was hardly surprising. I knew how I felt when Olivia was constantly crying, I couldn't even imagine how awful it would be if that was happening in front of the whole bloody royal family and someone was taking photos on top of it all. Thank god Olivia's christening hadn't been subject to media attention.

As if my thoughts had triggered it, a plaintive wail started up from Harry and Olivia's room. I sighed deeply and heaved myself to my feet. I pushed the door to their bedroom open and stood looking in. Olivia's face was scrunched up as she cried her little heart out.

 _What is wrong with you?_ I wanted to scream. _Why won't you let me rest?_ She'd already been fed and changed so it couldn't be that.

"Shhh sweetheart. Shush Olly, you're ok."

Her wailing just went on and on. I couldn't take it any longer.

I removed myself from their room and locked myself in the bathroom, so I couldn't act on the sudden impulse that had come over me to shake her until she stopped. I sat down on the toilet lid, hands trembling slightly. Normally I could stop the little voice in the back of my mind, but it had seemingly taken over.

 _What was wrong with me? Obviously I'm a monstrous, terrible person. Definitely not fit to be caring for a child. I am only disadvantaging my children by them having me as a mother. What sort of mother even thinks about harming her baby? Not proper mothers. Sirius and Remus are far better parent figures than I ever could be. James would be ashamed of me. He would be more than ashamed if he could see me sitting here in the toilet while my infant daughter wailed. He would want nothing to do with me. I have no business raising two little kids. Obviously I can't do this on my own like I used to think I could. I never felt this way when Harry was a baby, even though I was even younger then._

There was no let-up in the wailing. The four walls of the bathroom seemed impossibly close together. I grabbed at my hair with my hands and a low guttural moan escaped from me. It was like a Dementor had been released into the room - all my bottled up thoughts came rushing to the surface.

 _They'd be better off if I wasn't here. Just the fact that I'm thinking that reinforces what a terrible mother I am. But if I did it now, while they were young, they wouldn't even have memories of me when they were older. It would be a lot cleaner that way - a lot kinder. They'd grow up hearing stories about their smart, laughing mum. The prefect whose best subjects were potions and charms; a girl who loved to cook and wanted to be a Healer. They wouldn't have the shame of having a deranged mother who was arrested for trying to smother them as a baby._

 _They wouldn't lack for anything. Sirius would teach them to ride a broom, and a motorbike for that matter. Remus would instil a love of reading and independence. Abby reminds me a lot of myself, with her no-nonsense but kind demeanour. She is more natural with kids than I am anyway - a far better mother figure. Together they'd teach them all sorts of things – jokes and pranks, a love of adventure, work ethic, how to be a good friend, how to get along with others. As for me – I'd be with James again. Oh, my dear James. How good would it be to see his familiar face, that mischievous smile, those beautiful eyes?_


	19. Gone

Remus tutted as he quickly checked his watch again. Only five minutes had passed since he had last checked it, but it felt like a lot longer. He got to his feet to look in on the kids once more. Pushing the door open, his face relaxed slightly when he saw they were still sleeping soundly. Little Liv had her thumb in her mouth and Harry was cuddling his stuffed owl. The room was like a cosy den, illuminated by the soft light cast by the glowing snitch circling lazily around Harry's Quidditch mobile.

Remus backed out quietly, leaving the door slightly ajar, and began to pace around the small cottage. He paused in the living room to look at the small collection of framed photos. He was in a lot of them. There was one of the marauders on their graduation day, with their arms around each other's shoulders, jostling each other and pulling faces. James was grinning, alternating between trying to lick Sirius's ear and blowing a kiss at the camera. Lily must have taken this photo. Remus paused to take in the joyful expression on his own face. It felt like it had been taken in a different lifetime. He noticed that an attempt had been made to banish Wormtail from the photograph - only his arm was visible as he skulked just out of view. Beside this photo was the most recent one, taken at Olivia's christening. Lily was in the middle holding Liv, flanked by himself and Abby, with Sirius photo bombing with Harry in the background.

Right at the back was the largest photo, taken at James and Lily's wedding. That was his favourite one, although it was still painful to look at. The photographer had captured the moment when James had kissed his bride while all the guests lifted their wands and shot silver flares up into the clear night sky.

Remus tore his eyes away from the photos and checked his watch for the umpteenth time. It wasn't like Lily to be so late. Surely she would have sent him a message if she had decided to stay over. Frowning, he checked the two-way mirror in his pocket. It was cold and blank. He spoke into it: "Lily Potter." Nothing.

He rubbed the stubble on his chin and let out a sigh. This waiting was driving him crazy. _Bugger this,_ he thought and fished his wand out of his pocket. He focused on how he felt on his graduation day, which was easy having just looked at the photograph. His wolf Patronus materialised in the room and paced around the perimeter checking for threats, before coming to a stop in front of him. He spoke quietly to it and then watched as it bounded off in a shimmer of silver threads. He was probably over-reacting. He hoped he was anyway.

He had been so glad when Lily had asked him to babysit the kids tonight. It had been just a few weeks ago, not long after Olivia's christening, when they'd had a big row and he'd moved back to his own cottage in the woods. He knew she was struggling a bit with managing a newborn on top of an active toddler so he'd tried to step up and help out as much as he could. He didn't know exactly what he had done wrong but he must have overstepped somehow. He'd just so badly wanted to do what he could. They'd had a good talk tonight though, and Lily had apologised, saying she knew he was only trying to help. She'd told him he was great with the kids and she was sorry for pushing him and everyone else away. She'd even gone on to say that she was really glad she'd made him and Abby godparents for Olivia and she really wanted them to be a big part in both kids' lives. It was such a relief to be back on good terms with Lily. Finally things might get back to a 'new normal.'

There was a sudden pop at the back door, and then the sound of Sirius knocking.

"Oi! Unlock the door will you!"

"Shhh!" Remus reprimanded, hurrying over and opening the door. "Don't wake the kids!"

"Oh yeah, sorry." They both went quiet for a second, listening, but there were no sounds from the kids' room.

"So Lily isn't home?"

"No. I'm really worried Padfoot."

Sirius started to walk down the hallway. "Well, she's just out to dinner with Mary isn't she? Maybe they had a few drinks, lost track of the time. Merlin, it's the first time she's been out since Olivia was born - I don't blame her for staying out a while. Probably needed a good girl-talk or something."

Remus trailed behind him. "Yeah… I dunno. It's just weird that I can't get onto her though. She hasn't been away from the kids before – you'd think she'd have her mirror close-by in case anything happened with them."

Sirius spun around. "Yeah that's true. Bit odd. Maybe we should try and get onto Mary."

"I was thinking about that. But what if she's just out having fun? We've only just got back onto good terms – I'd hate for her to think I'm checking up on her..."

"Hmm yeah. So what, just wait then?"

Remus chewed his lip uncertainly, gazing around the room. His eyes landed again on the framed photo of James and Lily's wedding day.

"Shit Pads – isn't it James and Lily's wedding anniversary today?"

"August 25th – it is! Crap, I forgot. You don't think she's gone and done something stupid do you?"

"Surely not. Right, I'm sending a note to Mary. Hopefully they're not out in some Muggle bar."

Sirius threw himself onto the sofa and jiggled his knee while Remus strode purposefully over to Lily's desk and started to pen a quick letter. Juno stretched her wings out and waited patiently while Remus attached the note to her leg, then she dived effortlessly out of the window. Remus continued to gaze after her long after she had disappeared into the darkness, drumming his fingers impatiently. Sirius inspected his fingernails in silence, launching to his feet when there was an apparition pop in the garden. They both hurried down the hall, meeting Mary at the back door.

"Mary," Sirius greeted, peering behind her. "You don't have Lily with you?"

"No," she answered. "Why would I?"

Sirius cursed and slumped against the wall, crossing his arms.

"She said she was meeting you for dinner," explained Remus tersely. "That's why I'm here babysitting the kids. I got worried when she didn't come home when she said she would, so I messaged Padfoot."

"Oh, no, we didn't have any plans. How strange. I haven't seen Lily since the christening, but I got a really nice letter from her the other day, saying how grateful she was for everything I've done since James died."

Sirius and Remus exchanged alarmed looks.

"What is it?" asked Mary. "Where do you think she is?"

"Today is James and Lily's wedding anniversary," said Sirius shortly. "I've got a really bad feeling about this."

"Oh no!" exclaimed Mary. "You don't think…?"

"Enough," cut in Remus. "Let's think, where would she go?"

"Godric's Hollow," said Sirius immediately.

Remus nodded slowly. "Yeah, or maybe the woods near my cottage."

"Maybe she's just gone to a Muggle hotel," suggested Mary as she gently pushed her way inside. "Maybe she just wanted a night by herself?"

"Maybe," said Sirius shortly. "Right, well someone will have to stay here with the kids. I'm going to James's grave."

"I'll check my place," volunteered Remus.

"I…I'll watch the babies then," said Mary quietly. They hesitated for a second, all exchanging a look that failed to be reassuring and then the two boys ducked out the door, apparating as soon as they were outside the wards.

Mary hugged her arms around her middle, taking a deep breath to steady herself in the suddenly quiet house. She checked in on the kids first - both were still soundly asleep. She busied herself in the kitchen, making tea the Muggle way in an effort to distract herself and pass the time. _Surely Lily was ok. It must be so hard being a young single mum – she must be just blowing off some steam somewhere_.

 _Yes_ , she told herself – _she's probably just having a night off from being a mum and out at some bar. Maybe a guy had even picked her up? It had been nearly a year after-all…_

Mary's musings came to an abrupt end as she gazed through the kitchen window and saw flashing red and blue lights slowly coast to a stop in front of the house.

* * *

Remus arrived back at the house and called out quietly, "Mary? Is Sirius back yet? There's no sign of her at mine…" He was nearly knocked over by Sirius when he suddenly materialised beside him.

"Remus!" Sirius cried breathlessly. "Good, I need your nose. Lily has definitely been to the cemetery. I've found a bottle of Vodka and some pill packets but I can't find her anywhere."

"Oh Merlin." Remus ran a hand through his dishevelled hair. "Lily…"

"Quick, no time to lose!" urged Sirius.

"Guys, is that you?" Mary's voice called down the hall.

"She's been to St Jerome's!" replied Sirius. "I'm taking Remus and we're gonna… Mary?"

Mary had just come into view, stepping from the living room into the hall. Her eyes were red rimmed and there were fresh tears on her cheeks. "They've found her."


	20. How was this my life?

My brain was all foggy; I couldn't focus on a single train of thought for very long. My stomach had been pumped but I still felt like I needed to bring something up. I was curled up on my side, trying to find a position that gave me a little bit of relief. I moved slightly which made me retch again. The throbbing from my raw nail beds was nearly a welcome pain compared to the unrelenting nausea.

I'd splinched my toenails and fingernails when I'd apparated here last night. Of course, the Muggle doctors didn't know what to make of it. It was a miracle really that my nails were the only bits I'd splinched, given the state I'd been in when I'd tried to apparate.

The emergency doctor had told me I was very lucky. That felt like a poor choice of words to say to someone who'd been trying to end their life.

God, I wish they'd give me something that would make me go to sleep.

There was a nurse in now who was starting to dress my raw nail beds. If I were at St Mungo's the healers would have grown them back in seconds. Maybe the pain was my penance for what I'd done.

There was a small, dark, blotchy mark on the ceiling above me, illuminated by the harsh fluorescent hospital lights. I stared at it, trying to discern what could have created it in an effort to distract myself from the pain. Despite this I couldn't help whimpering when the antiseptic came into contact with my fresh exposed tissue.

"Oh! Finally - _finally_ \- they were putting me under.

* * *

I had no idea how long I'd been out for. A doctor had come to talk to me. I had a diagnosis: postnatal depression. There was a medical reason why I'd been feeling the way I had. Apparently, I wasn't going to always feel this way. Now I had a diagnosis, the doctor had prescribed medications, booked counselling and had a whole treatment plan set in motion. They made it sound so simple. Some tablets and conversation and I'd be 'fixed.' They must be some miracle tablets.

I'd be getting visitors soon. The doctor said they'd only be allowing in two people who weren't family. That meant I'd be getting two visitors then, as there was no way Petunia or Vernon would set foot in here.

How ironic that when I realized I didn't really want to die, I'd tried to get to this hospital, of all hospitals: the hospital where my parents had died. Was this the same bed that mum had been in when she passed away? That was a bit disturbing to think about. Dad hadn't really been in a ward at all, as he'd been rushed straight to surgery and he died on the operating table.

The curtain was opening. Damnit, it was Sirius. I wasn't ready to face his hurt. Maybe I could pretend to be asleep… too late – he'd caught my eye.

"Lily," he breathed, "thank god! You had us so worried."

I nearly gasped out loud as I took him in. There were tears on his face and his expression was a strange mix of distress and relief.

I squeezed my eyes shut. "I'm sorry," I tried to say, but it came out as a croak.

His arms were around me, his face buried in my neck. "It's ok. It's ok Lily," he sobbed.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I repeated, my body shuddering under his powerful grip.

His fingernails were digging into my shoulder blades a little but I barely noticed.

My gaspy breaths were beginning to morph into that hysterical crying you don't have any control over. I gripped Sirius's coat with clumsy bandaged fingers and was startled when I heard a disgruntled meow.

Sirius pulled back, shakily wiping his eyes. He pulled his coat open carefully, and there in the enlarged inside pocket was the top of a familiar black and ginger head.

"Oh, little cat, did I squish you?" I whispered.

Sirius explained, his voice cracking. "I read somewhere that animals are good for therapy or comfort or something, I dunno."

I put a trembling hand on her warm little body and felt the vibrations from her purring. She butted my hand, looking for ear scratches.

I took a shuddering breath. "Well I'd say they're right. Thanks, Padfoot."

Sirius laid me back onto my pillows and nestled Tufty into the crook of my arm before dragging a chair closer and taking a seat.

There was a pause before he spoke.

"Why didn't you tell me Lily? Why didn't you tell me how bad things had gotten?"

I stroked Tufty gently, unable to meet his eyes.

Sirius put his hand of top of mine, stilling it. "I get how you ended up here – I mean, how much crap can one person go through? Losing your parents, your friends, James… not to mention all the shit this year with the press." He bent his head down, forcing me to look at him. "Promise me you'll tell me if you ever feel like this again, ok? Promise?"

"I promise," I murmured.

He exhaled. "Thank you. Merlin, I don't know what I'd do -" He was cut off by the nurse that had just bustled in.

"Sir, this is a hospital, there are strictly no pets allowed!" Her tone softened as she looked at me. "I'm sorry, but this is the ICU. No exceptions."

Sirius scooped Tufty back into his pocket, much to her displeasure. "I didn't realize, my apologies."

He bent down and kissed my forehead. "I'll send Remus in now and I'll be back later, ok? Love ya, Lils."

* * *

My visit with Remus was just as painful. He'd been quieter when he walked in and sat down, watching me with an intent, concerned gaze.

"How are you?"

I shrugged, averting my eyes.

"If you ever feel like that again Lily, promise you'll tell someone."

I smiled faintly. "That's what Sirius made me promise too."

"I mean it. It doesn't have to be me, but just tell someone how you're feeling. Call a - what's the muggle thing - a hotline, anything."

I bit my lip and nodded. "Ok."

Remus leant forward and grasped one of my hands gently. "I've been through some pretty low points too. Nothing like you but… but I've got a bit of an idea I think, of how you might have been feeling."

"How did you get through it?"

"Honestly, when things were really bad, like when I'd just lost another job and was at rock bottom, feeling like a useless piece of crap… there would be Juno at my window with some pumpkin soup, or a book you thought I might like, or…"

"Remus…"

"If you'd gone through with it Lily, I don't think I'd keep getting through it. I don't think I'd be ok."

"You've got Sirius," I said softly. "You've got Abby."

"But they're not you." His hand was gripping mine a bit tighter now. I kept my expression blank despite my impulse to wince from the pain of his not-soft-enough grasp on my abused fingers. "I know that might have been what you told yourself – that we would have coped just fine, but I'm telling you that's not true."

Remus's voice was becoming more urgent, his eyes boring into mine. "We love you so much Lily. Never think that the world would be better off without you in it."

The back of my throat was aching as I tried to stop myself breaking down and sobbing.

"Think about that list on your desk of all those things you want to achieve. All the milestones that Harry and Olivia have in front of them…"

"Stop it," I moaned. I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. "I… I'm sorry," I managed between sobs.

Remus was stroking my hair. "Shush, It's ok Lily, it's going to be ok…"

A nurse was putting something in my IV line. I hadn't even noticed her re-enter the room.

"Just something to help her rest," I heard her say to Remus before everything went fuzzy again.

* * *

It was starting to get dark outside my hospital window. I gazed around my room – my curtained section of the room anyway, trying to get my eyes to focus.

I moved my head and there was a sharp intake of breath beside me.

"P… Petunia?"

She fumbled the flowers that she'd been holding, quickly dropping them down on the table as if they'd burnt her.

"I thought you were asleep," she said hurriedly. "I wasn't going to stay."

"Okay." I couldn't believe she was here. "The flowers are lovely. From your garden?"

"Yes," she replied shortly. "Sunflowers are the only things blooming in it right now."

"Well… thank you."

She nodded her head curtly and went to pick up her purse. Before she reached the curtain she suddenly spun around to say something. "Do you think this was where mum died? The same bed, I mean." She met my eyes for the first time. I was taken aback by her haunted, searching expression.

"I guess it could be – it is the ICU." I turned my head towards the window. "I was wondering that before," I said softly.

Petunia's voice was stilted as she continued. "Mum and I…we'd had a fight just before… before that day." She had her arms crossed, standing just in front of the olive coloured hospital curtains. "It was just about something stupid. But I just… I hate that the last time I'd talked to her I'd stormed out of the house. When the police came to tell me you were here… I just… I just couldn't stand the thought that you might have died and the last thing I said to you was ' _good riddance_.'"

"Oh Tuney."

"Well, anyway. I just wanted to say that despite… what you are, you are still my sister." Then she quickly tugged back the curtain and was gone.

 _You are still my sister._ I kept saying it over and over in my head. Huh, that was more than I'd ever dreamed of getting from her.

* * *

I laid back in my bed, still feeling a bit shaky and nauseous. I hoped Harry and Olivia were ok. I hadn't had a chance to ask Sirius or Remus how they were. Hopefully they could come for a visit soon. I wonder how long they were going to keep me in here?

A different nurse was pulling my curtains aside. There must have been a shift change.

"Nurse, when can I go home?"

"It all depends on your progress, dear. The doctor will assess you tomorrow and decide."

"So, I might be able to go home tomorrow?"

The nurse shook her head. "I couldn't say - it's up to the doctor." She'd picked up my chart and was writing something in it.

"Can my kids visit tomorrow?"

"Again, that's up to the doctor. It can be triggering for someone with your condition, you see."

I lapsed into silence, unreactive while the nurse checked the dressings on my fingers.

The nurse broke the silence. "They seemed happy enough when they were in though. I'm sure the doctor wouldn't object to a quick visit."

"They were here?"

"Oh… yes. I saw them briefly in the waiting room. The doctor had a quick look at them." She gave me what I guess was supposed to be a reassuring smile.

A sudden chill went through me. A doctor had checked them? Why? Was it because of what I'd done? Did they think I would have hurt my kids? My god – what if I was deemed too unstable to care for them? I couldn't lose them!

"Why wasn't I told? Why were you checking them? I'd never put my kids at risk!" I cried, starting to panic.

"Lily, calm down. We thought we'd just do a routine check seeing as they were here."

"You do routine checks on all the kids in the waiting room?!"

The nurse sighed. "You don't want me to sedate you, do you?" she warned.

I slumped back down onto my pillows.

"The doctor was going to have a chat with you in the morning, but I might see if he's free now – he should be nearly finished rounds."

It felt like she was gone for an eternity. The little voice in the back of my mind had gone into overdrive. _Why didn't I think of this? Of course they might think my kids hadn't been cared for properly. They couldn't take them from me, could they?_

"Lily," the doctor greeted me. "I'm Doctor Perry. I understand you heard that your babies had a quick little check over today."

"Yes, why was that? Is everything ok?"

"I won't lie to you – it's a check we like to do when the sole caregiver has been diagnosed with a mental illness. Harry is perfectly fine, no issues there at all. As for Olivia – no, don't panic – I was going to wait until the test came back to confirm it, but I'm highly suspicious that she has lactose intolerance. That just means that her body isn't making enough lactase to break down the lactose that's present in milk. It might be why she's crying so much. It's an easy fix – we'll just transition her over to a lactose-free milk formula. There's also a really good chance she'll grow out of it when she gets older."

He smiled gently at me. "So, no one is calling child services."

I flushed red with embarrassment.

"I'm happy for them to come for a visit tomorrow. And I'll let you know as soon as I get the test result back, okay? Now, you just try to get some rest."

"Ok," I murmured.

* * *

Someone had left a newspaper on my little bedside table. I reached for it and as always I looked at the date first. It was the one-year anniversary of Dorcas's murder. Of course it was. Just about every second day from now to Halloween was the first death anniversary of someone I knew. Thanks to bloody Peter, the Death Eaters had had advance knowledge of all our plans. God I missed Dorcas. She'd been a real role model. She had been Head Girl three years above me. It was uncommon for one of the heads to be a Hufflepuff, but Dorcas had been such a clear choice. Small and compact, with mousy brown hair and freckles – she'd be easy to look past if it wasn't for her quick cheeky smile and inimitable laugh. She was everyone's friend. The new firsties adored her as she always went out of her way to settle them in. In the Order she was very well respected, again one of the few that hadn't been a Gryffindor. But one year ago today Voldemort had murdered her himself.

I felt a macabre need to visit Dorcas's grave. I hadn't been back since her funeral. Hers had been one of the first of so many. It felt like the least I could do was pay my respects, when I was one of the so few that was alive when so many good people were dead. Suddenly I was itching to get out of this room.

I was struck by sudden panic – where was my wand? I'd had it with me when I'd apparated but it wasn't on me now. Had they taken it from me? Had it even made it with me into the hospital? I'd been in a really bad shape when I'd arrived. I'd actually apparated into the alleyway behind the hospital and I'd just about passed out after that. I vaguely remembered a strange woman telling me to stay with her. Could she have my wand? More likely I'd dropped it and some kid had picked it up, mistaking it for a toy, or maybe even a homeless person had chanced upon it. It was my most valued possession – I had to find it. I wriggled out of bed, trying not to groan as my stomach turned. I peeked out the curtain and was immediately spotted by a nurse.

"Mrs Potter, can I help you?"

"Oh… um… need the bathroom," I replied.

The nurse tutted and bustled me into a wheelchair, temporarily disconnecting me from my fluid lines. She wheeled me over to the bathroom and stood right outside the stall while I was inside. _Damnit_. Would they not leave me alone for even a minute? _Of course not_ , I berated myself. _This is what happens when you try to kill yourself_.

The nurse wheeled me back into the room and moved to help me back into bed.

"Just a second," I stopped her. "I want to um… look at my flowers," I said lamely.

The nurse hesitated and then stepped back.

"Call out as soon as you need help back into bed," she said sternly. "I'll be just on the other side of the curtain."

" _Great_ ," I muttered under my breath, and then quickly faked a smile and thanked her when she looked at me sharply.

I peered anxiously out the window. How would I find my wand? Every minute that went past it was more likely some random person would pick it up. For some reason my gaze caught the trees outside. Was that… an owl? I struggled with the window for a minute, finally managing to open it about five centimetres. I glanced around furtively, as the nurse was just on the other side of the thin curtain. I waited for a few moments, until I heard her in conversation with one of her colleagues and then I uttered a low, hopeful whistle. My heart leapt when I saw a familiar grey shape launch out of a tree and flap over, coming to rest on the windowsill.

"Hey girl," I crooned. "Reckon you could fetch my wand?"

Juno cooed and then launched herself off again. Only minutes later she reappeared with my wand gripped firmly in her beak.

"Good girl Juno!" I breathed. "Thank you!"

I grasped my wand, relishing the feeling of having it back in my possession. I could apparate without a wand of course, but in my weakened state I didn't think I'd be able to manage it. I'd be in so much trouble for apparating inside a muggle building, but I couldn't find it in me to care about that – all I wanted was to get out of this place. Dorcas was buried in the old wizard cemetery of St Vivian, which wasn't far from London as the crow flies. In the room beside me I could hear one of the monitors start alarming. Good, this was my chance. I closed my eyes, focusing all my energy on my destination and tensed while I endured the sensation of being squeezed out of existence. Seconds later I arrived in the cemetery, taking a deep breath to re-inflate my lungs.

Ancient spreading trees were casting eerie shadows everywhere, as the sun hovered just above the horizon. In the centre of the cemetery there was a small woodland containing a bubbling pool that was supposed to be home to a water nymph. I could just hear the trickling sound of water. I pocketed my wand and cast around, trying to get my bearings. It seemed I'd materialised on the wrong side of the trees. Arms wrapped around my stomach, I walked slowly over to where I remembered Dorcas's grave was.

I didn't even register the cloaked figure kneeling a few rows over until they straightened up and faced me. Peter Pettigrew. The pain, plus the medications still in my system dulled my reaction time. My bandaged fingers had barely twitched towards my pocket before Pettigrew's wand was trained on me. His expression was shocked but his eyes were still darting around nervously, everything on high alert.

"The fuck." I uttered my first thought aloud, my sluggish brain struggling to comprehend what was happening.

"Lily? What are you doing here?"

"Same as you… but I guess not really, seeing as you got her killed." I cursed internally, frustrated at my slow fumbling words.

"I didn't mean for her to die."

My jaw set and I clenched my hands to stop them trembling in rage. Pure anger sharpened my speech.

"So, who did you mean to die, _Wormy?"_ Ispat out the name I used to call him. "Edgar? Marlene? Gideon? Fabian? _James?"_

He flinched at every name but ignored my question. "Dorcas, she…she was kind to me. Back when I was homesick, struggling to keep up in class…"

"Then how could you?!" I screamed. "You fucking rat! How could you betray us all?"

"Because I'm not brave like the rest of you! I – I wasn't ready to die."

I shook my head, frustrated that my eyes were filling with tears due to how angry I was.

Peter continued, "You remember how it was – h-he was taking over everywhere. He targeted me specifically. If I didn't help him he would have k-killed me. What choice did I have?"

"He wanted you? Because you were so _special_? Voldemort asked me to join him – me, a 'Mudblood.' And he asked James twice – he especially wanted him. News to you? He tried that trick on all of us – you were the only one that fell for it."

"He didn't say I was special. He said I was the outsider of the group – that the others tolerated me, but didn't think I was on their level. And he was right. I first realised I was on the outer in fifth year when I overheard Kevin ask James 'where's your tag-along?' and James _laughed_."

"Because James bloody laughed at anything! If Kevin had said 'where's your boyfriend?' meaning Sirius, then James would have laughed! They were your friends Peter! All of them said they would have died for you!"

"Why did you choose me as Secret Keeper? Why not Sirius? I know why. It was because I was the last one he'd suspect – why would James Potter pick the weakest, least talented of the group?"

"It wasn't like that."

"It was exactly like that. Oh, I know I never had the natural talent that the others had. At school I really had to work at everything. New spells never came easy for me. But once I had it – I really had it. I turned out to be the best at non-verbal spells because I'd had to work so hard – because I grasped the – the _sensation_ of each spell."

"And Voldemort said he could see your potential, was that it? Is that how he got you on-side?"

"Don't mock me!" Peter screamed. "I was sick of not being good enough – not quite belonging anywhere. My mum was a squib – did you know that? I never had much to do with that side of the family growing up because of her. And yeah – I joined the Death Eaters because I valued my life, but it was nice for a little while at least to finally feel like I was fully welcomed somewhere."

"You're pathetic. I don't know how you live with yourself."

Peter brushed his fingers gently over the top of the gravestone. "I wanted out after he killed Dorcas. But he could tell what I was thinking. He said I was in too deep now, that if I went running back to Dumbledore or my friends they'd despise me, that I'd be lucky if they sent me to Azkaban. He was right. You will always see me as a traitor. There are worse ways to die than by the killing curse. That's what he threatened me with – to die like that or give him the information he wanted."

"You fucking coward. You ruined my life, you know that?"

"I'm sorry."

"You don't get to apologize to me! If you were truly sorry you'd turn yourself in and face trial, just like all the other Death Eaters. You should answer for what you've done and do your time in Azkaban. From how Sirius describes it, it probably would be kinder to just kill you. Yeah, remember that? You set him up to rot in Azkaban for the rest of his life. Who does that?"

"Someone who's desperate and in too deep."

I'd been slowly flexing my bandaged fingers, trying to get some movement back into them. I'd managed to get my hand close to my pocket while we'd been talking, and as fast as I could I grabbed my wand, but Peter was too fast with his wand already in his hand. He flicked mine wordlessly into a bush five meters from where I was standing.

"What are you going to do Peter – kill me?" I barked out a dry laugh. "Have a go. I tried to do it myself last night but I couldn't go through with it."

"Y-you tried to kill yourself?"

"You fucked up my whole life, haven't you been listening!"

"I'm not going to kill you Lily."

"Then hand yourself in."

"I can't do that either." He quickly turned his wand on himself. Swiftly he started to shrink, taking the form of his rat animagus.

"No!" I screamed. I bent down and scrabbled desperately around the dirt, my hand enclosing around a rock. I straightened and threw it towards the rodent with all my strength, cursing as it landed short. Angry tears were pouring down my face. I watched helplessly as he scurried towards the safety of the shrubbery.

Suddenly a gust of wind washed over me. Juno was silently plunging to the ground, her wings outstretched as she glided behind the rat. Dumfounded, I watched as she thrust her talons forwards and gripped the small rodent's body. He struggled for barely a second before the claws clenched tighter, piercing the soft flesh. With a powerful flap of her wings she flew upwards again, circled around and then landed in the same tree she must have taken off from. She had the rat gripped by both feet still, and she reached down to devour her morsel headfirst. Suddenly, the rat started transforming back into a man. Juno relinquished her grip and hopped hurriedly to the side, allowing Wormtail to flop lifelessly to the ground. He smacked the dirt face first, blooms of red rapidly appearing through the clothes on his back.

In shock, I looked back up to my owl perched in the tree. Juno's expression seemed mournful. I knew how much she loved to eat rats head first – I could only imagine her disappointment. I began laughing hysterically at the absurdity of the situation, which soon turned into uncontrollable sobbing. Finally I pulled myself together. Now I had to figure out what to do with this body in front of me. How was this my life?

* * *

AN: Finished at last! Thank you so much to everyone who's stuck with this story despite the long waits between chapters. Never again will I start posting a story before I've written the whole thing! Really interested to hear your feedback on the story. I'm open to writing an epilogue if enough people are interested. I also have so say a big thanks in particular to BrilliantLady for their feedback on this chapter.


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